A gentleman does not talk about it.

Note: This is the first time that these lyrics aren't facetious.

And I feel fantastic
And I never felt as good as how I do right now
Except for maybe when I think of how I felt that day
When I felt the way that I do right now, right now, right now.
And I feel fantastic
And I never felt as good as how I do right now
Except for maybe when I think of how I felt that day
When I felt the way that I do right now, right now, right now.  ¶ 3/31/2007 05:17:00 PM (0) comments

  I don't usually do these things but this one seemed fitting.

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid Disorder:	High
Schizoid Disorder:	High
Schizotypal Disorder:	Moderate
Antisocial Disorder:	Low
Borderline Disorder:	Low
Histrionic Disorder:	Low
Narcissistic Disorder:	Moderate
Avoidant Disorder:	Moderate
Dependent Disorder:	High
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder:	Low
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! -- -- Personality Disorders --

  ¶ 3/24/2007 11:04:00 PM (0) comments

  Lazy Saturday.

I was up until about 4 in the morning last night with two of my very good friends. I say I was with them, although not in a physical sense, one was across campus and the other was across the state. I had a paranoia attack before that and was convinced that everybody in my life was lying to me for some unknown reason. My therapist said I don't seem paranoid, but that's because when I'm in therapy I'm usually doing pretty well, and I don't go extra crazy until 1 in the morning when it's raining out. I had dinner with Daniel earlier in the evening, we went to Furr's and I had lots of food, ending with some good old soft serve ice cream. I had dinner with Daniel because he was nice enough to pick me up when I was stranded at the corner of University and The south side of the Loop.

Stranded might not be the right word, I did have the same method of transportation that got me there in the first place which was my dear own two feet. After working in the costume shop I was Walking with Jacie and talking about how her computer was contaminated by spyware and I offered to help remove it. She was heading to the Library to use the computers there and she asked me where I was going. I responded with something along the lines of "Oh, I just wonder randomly." This would prove to be very true in only a short while. I decided I was craving some Giant burrito action, so I called Andrea, but her companionship had already been taken by My Two Least Liked Individuals.

Sidenote: I hate being paranoid. On the one hand I don't know for sure that both of them were there but, I feel like it's true and on the other hand I feel extremely needy and bothersome if I ask so I'm stuck just making things up. And I don't want to lose the few friends I have by being an emotional drain on them. End sidenote.

So with Andrea dispossessed, and myself feeling betrayed as I always do in those sorts of situations, I began walking back to my Dorm. As I got closer I made a right turn and started heading toward University Street (it could be a boulevard or avenue, I'm not sure.) I crossed University and headed east until about Ave U where I stopped and sat on a park bench for a little while. I rise and start heading generally south. Without a destination in mind, I walked for about two hours winding my way back and fourth between avenues R and Q in a generally southernly direction. I followed a firetruck into a neighborhood where what appeared to be a long series of gunshots were going off in someones back yard. By the time I had arrived many people from the nearby houses had come out and watching what was happening, which wasn't much. Some of the firemen had gone down alleys on either side of the origin of the pops but nothing could be seen from the streets. I continued walking and stopped in a 7-11 and got some Gatorade, because I was thirsty. I also later stopped in a costume shop where I inquired about a Dick Cheney mask for a friend. The owner said she had had one but it must have sold. I thanked her for her time and left. Nothing much else of interest happened until about 6:30 when I realized I was at 71st street. I was pretty sure it would be dark before I could walk back to campus, and frankly I was a little tired. I called Andrea and tried to find someone on campus with a car. Unfortunately, everybody was (and is) working on RROAPS. I called Becky because I knew she had a car, but she had just started an office shift. after a few more calls and after crossing the South side of the loop I managed to reach Daniel, who was more than willing to pick me up. BTW, crossing 289 is scary. I came out at about AVE T which leads directly onto the access road, The closest intersection was University to my right about half a mile away.

Working in the costume shop was alright because I actually produced something. Jacie and I were partnered to make ditty bags for Mockingbird. The only bad part was when Kelsey came to do something for costumes for RROAPS. She started talking to Elise about going to something that was coming up, but she had to make sure her ride was able to take her. Her ride obviously being RT, because Kelsey can't drive and just gets into the pants of some guy who will take her anywhere she wants to go. I should know. I should probably clarify that I do not positively know that the two of them are doing anything and I'm sure they would deny it, but when someone makes a huge deal of how they are "only telling the truth from now on" makes me think of "protest too much" and also that the first statement indicated that the person wasn't truthful to begin with. But I don't want anybody to think that I know 100% that they are together, but I suspect it heavily and I have my reasons. I also just thought of the double meaning behind 'ride'

Before going to the costume shop I had lunch and before that I went to my honors advising where we decided that I will probably end up contracting the last of my honors hours. Before that was my meeting with Dr. Mann about my rehearsal and Performance credit and she basically told me that i was probably getting an A. Before that I woke up.

Some of my faithful readers might be wondering why I walked the 6-8 miles that I traversed yesterday, and I'm not entirely sure myself. Part of it was the feelings of anger and loneliness, part of it was trying to just get away, and part of it was probably for attention. Have you ever realized how little you matter? Walking across town can help you understand that. You pass all of these homes of people who you will never meet, and whose lives are no different for you being alive. You walk along busy highways and see hundreds of cars filled with people moving on to whatever it is they have to do next. And the only way to bring your life in contact with theirs is to throw yourself in front of their speeding vehicle and seeing how well their brakes work. Then you can think about the fact that this city's population is tiny compared to other places, and that there are thousands of cities like this one but bigger and thats in this country alone. The population of China is around 1 billion, and they wont even meet each other let alone some college kid in Lubbock TX. You can then think about the relative size of the planet in the galaxy. Our entire solar system doesn't even register in the mass of our galaxy, and there are millions of other galaxies in this nearly infinite universe.and in not even a hundred years will whatever impact you left on our tiny atom of a planet be remembered. People can't really understand how significant everybody and everything really is. If they did everybody would just kill themselves. And even that wouldn't matter. If this conflict we are currently involved, or some other one, eventually evolves into WWIII and the entire world is obliterated, do you know what difference that would make on a cosmic scale? absolutely zero. And the whole "attention must be paid" BS is stupid too, even if you kill yourself maybe a handful of people will care and they'll be dead before too long, too. So being alive is stupid but so is killing yourself.

Today's schedlue was rather less exciting. I went to Freebirds with Andrea for lunch, then she went to the all day tech rehearsal for RROAPS, and I went back to my room and watched movies and TV. Then I wrote this blog, which has taken much longer than I originally thought it would. And now that it's almost over I'm not looking forward to trying to find some way to fill the rest of my evening. I'll probably watch one of the nine movies that I've purchased but haven't actually gotten around to watching. In the past two days I've watched three movies(The Jerk, Porky's and Fargo), a half dozen episodes of Doctor Who (Tom Baker,) the pilot episode of The X-Files, read about 1/3 of Y - The Last Man, which is a comic series about the last man alive after a mysterious plague kills every mammal with a Y chromosome in the world, about 1/4 of Watchmen, the best comic series ever, and the first five chapters of Lake Wobegon Summer 1956 by Garrison Keillor.

Tomorrow might be a better day because I'll be going thrift store shopping with Andrea and Jeleesa.

I'm an accident waiting to happen.  ¶ 3/24/2007 06:42:00 PM (0) comments

  Boom Boom, don't it suck to be crazy!

Well Spring break is winding down, and my sanity is leaving with it. the week started off with me being rejected for a date after she already said yes, saying my only two lines in Tequila Mockingbird, and trying to pack while hiding from my suite mate. On Saturday I drove to a Boy Scout Leadership training camp and stayed there until Tuesday when I left early because there was nothing for me to do. For lunch Tuesday my mother sister and I went to Panda Express, because it's awesome. Tuesday evening i went to see Ghost Rider with my dad. Good movie, but not great. Wednesday my mother, sister, and I went to Half-Price Books where I purchased Murderball and Penn and Teller's Magic and Mystery Tour DVDs. I don't remember Wednesday night, but I'm pretty sure I started writing Vampire Jerry which made me feel good because I was writing again, but I blanked after three pages. Thursday My dad and I watched 300 on the imax. It was big but not a great movie. Friday nothing much on interest happened except going to Block buster with my dad to rent a movie, finding nothing we wanted to rent and buying Snakes on a Plane, Porky's, Fargo, and The Jerk; all for under 8 dollars. (we ended up watching Pirates of the Caribbean 2 on pay-per-view) Today we fixed the fence, went to Best Buy Buy and returned the electric razor I bought last time I came home, because I found mine at school. Kat finished knitting my scarf, but I can't have it yet because it needs to be stretched and blocked, and then shown to everybody she knows. It's alright though because I don't have much need for it until next fall. We took a few pictures of the two of us in it. It currently measures about 11 feet, but that's before being stretched and before adding the six inch tassels on either end. Tonight my dad and I watched Snakes on a Plane. It was exactly what it claimed to be but I knew that already. Then I started doing laundry.

But! I hear you cry "where is all that crazy you alluded to in the opening lines of this pose?" It's in my head, where it always is. Very rarely do my mental differences show themselves in polite company. But here's an example: I stared at my computer screen blankly for probably 20 minutes because I read the name "Pink Floyd" on a link. this may not mean much to you but to me it brought back the extreme feelings of betrayal due to a small, insignificant slight done to me, (probably unintentionally) many weeks ago. Why does something like this bother me the way it does? I must say (changing subjects slightly) that I understand how B(rest of name withheld for privacy [and they may not even be this person's actual first initial, what are you going to do now?]) feels. I know of people(s) interest in me and I can't find any polite way to turn them away so I sit in an uncomfortable limbo, hoping the problem goes away.

I'm trying to get a group of friends together to go to Scarborough right after school gets out, and I need a costume to go in and I'm thinking that with my newly finished scarf, and some trips to the thrift store I may go as the Doctor. This solves multiple problems for the people going with me. They can all come as "companions" so no matter what costume they have (if any) we can all be together in out story. By the way B (if you're reading this) you're still invited to go with us. I don't think any thing's changed between us because of what (didn't) happen, you're still a friend and the more the merrier at a faire.

I'm done for now but here's some lyrics.

Because the lives of the wicked should be made brief.
For the rest of us, death
Will be a relief—
We all deserve to die!

P.S. OK so it seems like I blog when I don't have anybody else to talk to. This is interesting because I say so. I don't want to drive back to Lubbock tomorrow because nothing will have changed from when I left. Except maybe my suite mate will be clean and sober. I'm confused. Also I need a hug. But only from certain people. And those people aren't here or won't anyway because I think they hate me for some unknown reason or maybe they just don't like me very much. But I still need a hug. M(you know the name drill by now don't you?) Gave me a seemingly random hug in the greenroom one night, but I don't know her very well and I have no idea how to read it. However, I am really paranoid so I think I have at least covered all of the possible scenarios in my head. The downside of this of course is that I have no idea which one is the "Truth." sometimes I wish I could read minds, or maybe start everything over, or just stop thinking for a little while, or find someone nice to talk to, or end this chapter of my life and start the next, or something. Well that lasted much linger than was originally intended. I could just move this into the body of the post but I like the idea of a really long post script. Is anybody there? I'm so alone.  ¶ 3/17/2007 11:54:00 PM (0) comments

  The internet is weird.

On the one hand it's almost completely anonymous. This leads to beople lying they faces off with no real repercussions. On The Internet you can be anything or anybody you want to.

But on the other hand people can be much more honest than they ever would be in real life. part of this comes from the anonymity previously mentioned and the mindset of "nobody will actually read this" but it's not completely anonymous, so your real identity can be found out. Also people sometimes feel safer behind the wall the internet provides. Even though everything is 'instant' it's not really. First something is written, then someone else has to read it and respond. These things can have a lot of time between them and sometimes the last two don't even happen. This delay and not having to deal with someone face to face and all of the body language that goes along with it can really simplify things that shouldn't be simplified. It's like the phone but worse; on the phone there are at least vocal inflections and you can't reword something five times or delete it before the message is actually sent. Because of the nature of the medium it really boils down to a typewriter and carrier pigeons but in a (relatively) faster way. In acting there is a thing called subtext. I don't really have a full grip on it but basically it about the way things are said and not actually the words. All of this is missing in internet communication and people are left to fill in the sub-textual blanks on their own. This is not a good system because the message can and will be decoded incorrectly. Yes, people can and do mis communicate on a regular basis in plain old human interaction but there's more data to draw from in those settings.

In history we were discussing ideologies and i brought up the idea that there is one end all be all reality and people just view it differently. The theory's a bit more complicated than that, but the gist is the more we know about something the closer we can come to really understanding the way it really is. In person to person communication there is much more information available to receive than just what is being said, and if you remove all of that the chance for miscommunication skyrockets.

I'm not really sure what I'm getting at other than by putting things on the internet they are observed, and just like in quantum physics, the act of observing can change the outcome of the experiment. Now I know this may seem against what I just said but it doesn't really.

That's all I can think of for now.  ¶ 3/09/2007 02:11:00 PM (0) comments

  Bitter, sad, and happy.

The bitter part: You know the difference between me and you? After we broke up we both hated that we couldn't be alone. what did I do? I stayed by myself for a long time until I could cope with it again. What did you do? You jumped in bed with the first guy to come along. do the difference is you're a hypocrite and I'm growing.

The sad part: I loved you. I would have done anything for you, but the feeling wasn't mutual and I didn't see it before it was too late. It's also sad that you made me feel the way I did even after you left me. It's sad that i let you control me even when you weren't around.

The happy part(thankfully this will be the longest): I walked around campus tonight and looked at all of the various sculptures I could find, I went back to the smoking area by Gordon. I sat by many of those sculptures, and walked around that smoking for countless hours when we talked on the phone. Why is this happy? Because they were still there, and I am still me. I have so many wonderful memories on this campus and they're mine. This is my college, you just go to school here.

That's all I have to say right now.  ¶ 3/08/2007 10:57:00 PM (0) comments