I'm feeling a little depressed today so begin: emo

This isn't really a depression with an easily pinpoint-able cause. I though it might have something to do with being single again, but that doesn't seem quite right. I thought it might be about the end of the summer semester, but that seems wrong also. It's kind of the depression that says I should go out and do something, but I don't really have anything to do. Maybe it is that alone thing after all. I packed up all of my DVDs yesterday in an effort to begin packing because I have to move out on Saturday. I don't have many videos to watch on my computer right now, other than some episodes of the X-Files and Farscape. I should write one of my papers for script analysis, or my final written assignment for Spanish but I'm not feeling the motivation. I think I might call somebody to talk to, but that feels kind of lame.

I was a part of a psychological experiment today and for 30 minutes of work I got ten bucks. I then lost my ID card on the way back from theatre but found it while retracing my steps. That's pretty much all I've done today. Tomorrow my Spanish class is going to a Mexican restaurant. I'm not really looking forward to it. This is all I can think of to say.

You could be a hero  ¶ 6/26/2007 09:13:00 PM (0) comments

  Sorry for the language in this one.
(If you don't like it, you don't have to read it.)

I've been thinking recently (as I am wont to do,) and I keep coming back to the same conclusion. Maybe conclusion isn't quite the right word, but this thought keeps popping up in my mind. I could be sitting in class or reading somebody's blog and it just hits me - This is Bullshit. people make generalizations about everything and everybody, and it's all just bullshit trying to make people sound intelligent. Michael Moore is bullshit. He lies to people to try and change their minds. Script analysis is bullshit because the playwright is just trying to write the best play they can. No you can't understand the play better than the playwright can, you can just make up some bullshit. Blogging is mostly bullshit from people with too much time on their hands and a desire to share their bullshit. (I include myself in this description.) Art is definitely bullshit in one of it's purest forms. It's a painting, or a sculpture, or a film, or a piece of music, either you like or you don't, anybody who tells you otherwise is selling you some pretentious bullshit. here's some more bullshit: everybody is alone and can only interact through sharing bullshit. that may be true often but any time you hear words like always, never, everybody, nobody, everything, or nothing your bullshit alarm should start ringing. Even something like "there's an exception to every rule" is bullshit, it practically tells you so. I'm not trying to be cynical here, I don't really mind the bullshit too much. What else are we going to do? But as the saying goes, opinions are like assholes, everybody has one and they're probably full of shit.

Have a nice day.  ¶ 6/23/2007 06:41:00 PM (0) comments

  A Song in Progress.

We started as friends
A smile to long
And one or two nights
Without sleep
The smell of your hair
That look in your eye
Those few happy nights
Turned to weeks

But you can't go back
My decision is made
You lost what you had
All that it was
It never shall be

You were the first one
To make me alone
You're gone now
But I have healed
You were the second
We should have stayed friends
Because what we had
Wasn't real

But you can't go back
To lets just pretend
Reality is only
A one way street
You said goodbye at the end

You are the last one
I know you are waiting
But I have mistakes
Left to make

But I can't go back
To where I want to be
Happy in some other's arms
You made your decisions
I'm left here empty
And all I have left
Is to pray.


Does anybody out there want to write some music? I can be the Stein to your Gable.  ¶ 6/18/2007 11:07:00 AM (0) comments

  The last three days. What I am.

In the last three days I've learned some things. Most of them are, long term speaking, good things to know. I learned (once again) what I believe. I learned what a friend believes. I learned that she won't be with me because of her beliefs. I learned it's not my fault. I learned how long it takes to walk to 34th street from Freebirds. I learned I'm still OK. I learned I wasn't on the rebound. I learned I wasn't in love. I learned to watch my mouth. I learned to set an alarm. I learned that my paranoia wasn't enough to end a relationship. I learned the perfect woman is still out there. I learned more about said perfect woman. I learned she wants nothing more than to stay in and watch a movie every friday night. I learned I might not be ready for her. I learned Freebirds isn't quite as good without company, or it may have been that I forgot the BBQ sauce. I learned that there are people not too far away that are much worse off than I am. I learned that I still like sunflower seeds and combos. I learned Ron White isn't as funny as he once was. I learned I can survive on my own. I learned what a hypocrite really is. I learned the devastating effects of guilt. I learned that crazy chicks are crazy. I learned that it doesn't always hurt. I learned how quickly things change. I learned how easy it is to expand the present into the future. I learned I can still do my best, and no more. I learned the value of $1.09. I learned it is a bad idea to eat a giant burrito and then walk a few miles at a brisk pace. I learned that it had been to long since I had eaten a hamburger. I learned that a lot can happen if you let it. I learned to open up more. I learned when to stop.


I also learned when to keep going. Here are some thoughts as to what I am. These are also posted on facebook.


I am male. I am a meat eater. I am a book lover. I am trustworthy. I am a film lover. I am a paranoid of the nth degree. I am loyal. I am a self loathing playwright. I am a libertarian. I am easy going. I am helpful. I am firm in my beliefs. I am an actor with middling talent. I am friendly. I am healing. I am a pack rat. I am an amateur. I am courteous. I am one who delights in all forms of theatre. I am that guy in the hat. I am kind. I am alone. I am slightly existential. I am obedient. I am an honors college mentor. I am a collector of gnomes. I am cheerful. I am the owner of many black t-shirts. I am thrifty. I am not quick to anger. I am protective. I am brave. I am a student for life. I am going to have an effect. I am loved. I am prone to making mistakes. I am honest. I am forgiven. I am much more bark than bite. I am clean. I am hopeless. I am alive. I am a teetotaler. I am reverent. I am reasonable. I am rash. I am a consumer. I am an Eagle Scout. I am analytical. I am a collector of input. I am intellectual. I am a maximizer. I am a leader. I am relatively computer savvy. I am a blogger. I am a listener. I am full of solutions for problems you didn't know you had. I am telling you more than you wanted to know. I am a Texan. I am a work in progress. I am here. I am forgiving. I am only so pliable. I am singing. I am going to double check. I am quiet. I am unknown. I am far from finished.  ¶ 6/16/2007 11:25:00 PM (0) comments

  The paranoids worst friend.

I've blogged about being paranoid before and I've blogged about the internet before. Here's a dose of both.

The internet is terribly open and anything put online is easily findable and very hard to hide. Paranoids have a strong belief in what I'm going to call the Absolute Truth. The Absolute Truth is what reality is made of. We perceive reality in a certain way but this way isn't the actuality because we taint it with out perceptions. Paranoids (well me at least) try to get as close to the Absolute Truth through gathering and cross checking information. The internet has LOTS of information. If there's a particular person I want to know about, I can usually find out a lot about them through the internet. I don't really like doing this but the ability is there and sometimes it gets hard. Another way paranoia manifests itself is in jealousy. Jealousy is paranoia with a goal, and that's when it gets really tough.

Sometimes the hardest thing to believe is the truth.  ¶ 6/11/2007 03:15:00 PM (0) comments

  Big black Xs on my hands.

Last night I attended my first club. It should be noted that it took aver two years of being in college before I even did that. To make up for it (not really) I went to The Luxor on karaoke night.

Jacie called me and said that some people were going to The Luxor and asked if I wanted to come. I figured why not, and in actuality I would do quite a number of strange things if Jacie invited me. For about a year I would pass the Luxor as I drove down fourth and I thought it was a strip club. I was mistaken. I don't remember when I learned the truth, but the Luxor is in fact Lubbock's gay bar. My only fear was that I might get hit on, but that really didn't bother me too much because Jacie would be there to act as my reverse beard, and I felt that I could politely decline without too much trouble. Jacie decided that she was going to dress me up, but little did she know how uniform my wardrobe is. I have t-shirts, jeans, shorts, and little else. After much scrounging, she managed to find a polo for me to wear. She also insisted I wear it in a style apparently known as the "frat tuck" where only the frontmost six inches of the shirt are tucked in. I also wore my all white hat which is one of the two summer hats my family made be buy to wear instead of my black one. (the other one is straw.)

Once we arrived at the club we had to show the door girl our IDs and that's where I got the previously mentioned Big Black Xs. Another college first. It was karaoke night which is the real reason Jacie wanted to go. She sang three songs and I sang Meat Loaf's Paradise by the Dashboard Light. Both parts. All eight plus minutes of it. At one point in the evening our entire party (jacie, myself and three others) retreated to the women's restroom to call some guy and invite him to the club as well. Those that knew this guy had thought he was gay until he got in trouble for some sexual harassment stuff with the other girl. We were inviting him so that we could have him be hit on by one of the gay guys there n retaliation. Even after he showed up the plan didn't really happen but there were a few fun moments.

I will say my inner libertarian really enjoyed the experience and the atmosphere. The bar was a place where people could come and be themselves. There were couples holding hands and making out in all the various configurations and nobody even batted an eye. I really enjoyed the sense of freedom the atmosphere created. And it just made me wish people were more accepting in general. It should also be noted that I still think the worst way to accomplish that goal is through government regulation.

As we were leaving we ran into Topher who seemed vary surprised to see me and Jacie there. We got back at around 1:30 and the Big Black s came off with relative ease.

Though it's cold and lonely in the deep dark night
I can see paradise by the dashboard light  ¶ 6/07/2007 02:37:00 PM (0) comments

  New meme.

So I've seen tons of those internet surveys going around, and so many of them have the same questions that it's downright boring. I decided to try and remedy this by making my own. I'm not posting it here but if you know where to look you can find it in the wild. It has two distinguishing characteristics that will help me identify it if it makes the rounds on the tubes and I'll still know it's mine. I'll give you two clues: Aquaman and "the number after Z."

If you do spot it in the wild please fill it out and repost it. I would love to see random people filling it out in the future, so if you spot it please put a comment here on the blog with a link, or at least a description of where you saw it.

Thanks  ¶ 6/03/2007 12:04:00 AM (0) comments

  I keep thinking of things to blog about...
But then I don't and I forget them.

Some of those things include:

A connection between me and Aristotle.
Furniture.
Song lyrics, maybe?
My crazy dreams.
The warmth of another.
The state of my love life.
Books I've read.
My new hats.
Summer school.
Movies I've bought/watched.

But like I said, I've forgotten it all.  ¶ 6/02/2007 10:43:00 PM (0) comments