Lazy Saturday.
I was up until about 4 in the morning last night with two of my very good friends. I say I was with them, although not in a physical sense, one was across campus and the other was across the state. I had a paranoia attack before that and was convinced that everybody in my life was lying to me for some unknown reason. My therapist said I don't seem paranoid, but that's because when I'm in therapy I'm usually doing pretty well, and I don't go extra crazy until 1 in the morning when it's raining out. I had dinner with Daniel earlier in the evening, we went to Furr's and I had lots of food, ending with some good old soft serve ice cream. I had dinner with Daniel because he was nice enough to pick me up when I was stranded at the corner of University and The south side of the Loop.
Stranded might not be the right word, I did have the same method of transportation that got me there in the first place which was my dear own two feet. After working in the costume shop I was Walking with Jacie and talking about how her computer was contaminated by spyware and I offered to help remove it. She was heading to the Library to use the computers there and she asked me where I was going. I responded with something along the lines of "Oh, I just wonder randomly." This would prove to be very true in only a short while. I decided I was craving some Giant burrito action, so I called Andrea, but her companionship had already been taken by My Two Least Liked Individuals.
Sidenote: I hate being paranoid. On the one hand I don't know for sure that both of them were there but, I feel like it's true and on the other hand I feel extremely needy and bothersome if I ask so I'm stuck just making things up. And I don't want to lose the few friends I have by being an emotional drain on them. End sidenote.
So with Andrea dispossessed, and myself feeling betrayed as I always do in those sorts of situations, I began walking back to my Dorm. As I got closer I made a right turn and started heading toward University Street (it could be a boulevard or avenue, I'm not sure.) I crossed University and headed east until about Ave U where I stopped and sat on a park bench for a little while. I rise and start heading generally south. Without a destination in mind, I walked for about two hours winding my way back and fourth between avenues R and Q in a generally southernly direction. I followed a firetruck into a neighborhood where what appeared to be a long series of gunshots were going off in someones back yard. By the time I had arrived many people from the nearby houses had come out and watching what was happening, which wasn't much. Some of the firemen had gone down alleys on either side of the origin of the pops but nothing could be seen from the streets. I continued walking and stopped in a 7-11 and got some Gatorade, because I was thirsty. I also later stopped in a costume shop where I inquired about a Dick Cheney mask for a friend. The owner said she had had one but it must have sold. I thanked her for her time and left. Nothing much else of interest happened until about 6:30 when I realized I was at 71st street. I was pretty sure it would be dark before I could walk back to campus, and frankly I was a little tired. I called Andrea and tried to find someone on campus with a car. Unfortunately, everybody was (and is) working on RROAPS. I called Becky because I knew she had a car, but she had just started an office shift. after a few more calls and after crossing the South side of the loop I managed to reach Daniel, who was more than willing to pick me up. BTW, crossing 289 is scary. I came out at about AVE T which leads directly onto the access road, The closest intersection was University to my right about half a mile away.
Working in the costume shop was alright because I actually produced something. Jacie and I were partnered to make ditty bags for Mockingbird. The only bad part was when Kelsey came to do something for costumes for RROAPS. She started talking to Elise about going to something that was coming up, but she had to make sure her ride was able to take her. Her ride obviously being RT, because Kelsey can't drive and just gets into the pants of some guy who will take her anywhere she wants to go. I should know. I should probably clarify that I do not positively know that the two of them are doing anything and I'm sure they would deny it, but when someone makes a huge deal of how they are "only telling the truth from now on" makes me think of "protest too much" and also that the first statement indicated that the person wasn't truthful to begin with. But I don't want anybody to think that I know 100% that they are together, but I suspect it heavily and I have my reasons. I also just thought of the double meaning behind 'ride'
Before going to the costume shop I had lunch and before that I went to my honors advising where we decided that I will probably end up contracting the last of my honors hours. Before that was my meeting with Dr. Mann about my rehearsal and Performance credit and she basically told me that i was probably getting an A. Before that I woke up.
Some of my faithful readers might be wondering why I walked the 6-8 miles that I traversed yesterday, and I'm not entirely sure myself. Part of it was the feelings of anger and loneliness, part of it was trying to just get away, and part of it was probably for attention. Have you ever realized how little you matter? Walking across town can help you understand that. You pass all of these homes of people who you will never meet, and whose lives are no different for you being alive. You walk along busy highways and see hundreds of cars filled with people moving on to whatever it is they have to do next. And the only way to bring your life in contact with theirs is to throw yourself in front of their speeding vehicle and seeing how well their brakes work. Then you can think about the fact that this city's population is tiny compared to other places, and that there are thousands of cities like this one but bigger and thats in this country alone. The population of China is around 1 billion, and they wont even meet each other let alone some college kid in Lubbock TX. You can then think about the relative size of the planet in the galaxy. Our entire solar system doesn't even register in the mass of our galaxy, and there are millions of other galaxies in this nearly infinite universe.and in not even a hundred years will whatever impact you left on our tiny atom of a planet be remembered. People can't really understand how significant everybody and everything really is. If they did everybody would just kill themselves. And even that wouldn't matter. If this conflict we are currently involved, or some other one, eventually evolves into WWIII and the entire world is obliterated, do you know what difference that would make on a cosmic scale? absolutely zero. And the whole "attention must be paid" BS is stupid too, even if you kill yourself maybe a handful of people will care and they'll be dead before too long, too. So being alive is stupid but so is killing yourself.
Today's schedlue was rather less exciting. I went to Freebirds with Andrea for lunch, then she went to the all day tech rehearsal for RROAPS, and I went back to my room and watched movies and TV. Then I wrote this blog, which has taken much longer than I originally thought it would. And now that it's almost over I'm not looking forward to trying to find some way to fill the rest of my evening. I'll probably watch one of the nine movies that I've purchased but haven't actually gotten around to watching. In the past two days I've watched three movies(The Jerk, Porky's and Fargo), a half dozen episodes of Doctor Who (Tom Baker,) the pilot episode of The X-Files, read about 1/3 of Y - The Last Man, which is a comic series about the last man alive after a mysterious plague kills every mammal with a Y chromosome in the world, about 1/4 of Watchmen, the best comic series ever, and the first five chapters of Lake Wobegon Summer 1956 by Garrison Keillor.
Tomorrow might be a better day because I'll be going thrift store shopping with Andrea and Jeleesa.
I'm an accident waiting to happen.
