My Socks Are on Fire!

The End of an Era

2008-01-11T13:59:00.001-06:00

But hardly the end.

If you have been reading this from the beginning (Which I doubt many of you have) you will know this is not the first place this blog resided. It has moved before and it will now move again.

This will be the last post here on blogspot, I will continue blogging at http://quest4pi.livejournal.com. This move is due to a couple things, including the fact that I prefer the custimizability of livejournal versus blogger.

It should also be noted that there will be both public and private posts at the new site (Something I might should have had here). To see the private ones you will have to add me as a friend by creating an account at livejournal. I'm not forcing you to, but if you enjoy the deeper depths of my mind, it is recommended. (there will be two of these such posts to read in the near future.)

They Say it's new and improved but I don't believe they know what I'm thinking of.

So I Can't Ride a Bike

2008-01-09T22:07:00.000-06:00

At least not right after a semester break.

At the beginning of the fall semester I Took my bike in to the shop to have it's tire repaired. Fifty dollars later I ride it back to my dorm room. That afternoon I have to go to the Theatre to work in the shop. I hop on my bike and on my way to the shop I turn on a patch of loose gravel and SPLAT! I hit the ground. The damage was minimal, lust a bleeding elbow and some bruising on my thigh where I landed.

Monday I take my poke in to have the seat repaired. Today I ride to class and back with no problems. This afternoon I get on my bike to ride to my evening class. I make it about a hundred yards before something very mysterious happens and the next thing I know I am laying face down on the sidewalk, my glasses, pen and hat all thrown a different distance away and some serious pain in my elbow and knees. I remove my brand new sports coat (the sleeve is now ripped beyond repair, grr) and find what amounts to a serious case of rug burn on my elbow. inspection of my legs shows a similar situation on my knees and shins. I curse the fact that I'm going to be late to class because I decide to walk my bike back to the stand and hoof it instead.

If there is a moral to this story I don't know what it is.

Bloggity Blog

2008-01-04T20:56:00.000-06:00

Don't Blog Back.

Blogs are weird. If I were to die, there would be no notice of it here and the last thing I posted would be a list of what I got for Christmas. (No Madre, I am not thinking suicidal thoughts, nor do I wish to die, it's an intellectual idea.) I don't talk about my beliefs much in real life and even less here. Beliefs are very personal things and my just as much. If you ask I'll probably talk about it, but I'm not looking to witness. Even though I'm quiet about religion, it is something that is very powerful to me. The reason I try not to preach to people is that I know my beliefs are too strong to be changed so I exercise the tyranny of the commonplace (thanks Dr. Chansky) and assume that the beliefs of those around me couldn't be swayed by me anymore than I could be swayed by theirs.

This was going to be a longer post, but then I went to dinner.

I'm still alive

Greed Watch 2007

2008-01-01T22:33:00.000-06:00

John McClane is not John McCain.

Since I've seen it elsewhere, here's a rundown of what I got for Christmas:

The Batman Movie Anthology (not including Batman Begins)
Mallrats 10th anniversary edition
The Sting 2-disc special edition
Animal House Double Secret edition
Wonderfalls the entire series
Mars Attacks
The Muppet Show Season one (There's an episode with Joel Grey!)
a Lightsaber!
A top hat!
New glasses
Two new funny t-shirts (one about theatre and one about pirates)
A book
cash
Demetri Martin's CD/DVD "These Are Jokes"
Steven Wright's CD "I Have A Pony"
The Dangerous Book for Boys
Super Mario Galaxy
and a giant candy necklace

In other news, I staffed Twin Arrows Course 167, and my cat Twinkie moved from my mother's closet to my bed room.

I was once walking through the forest alone.

Umlat

2007-12-21T15:45:00.000-06:00

It has those two dots over it.

I've mentioned The Nelsons and their blog in the past, and now the second oldest son, Mitchell, has just started his own blog(located here) While reading through the first few posts, I said to myself "This guy wants to be a writer?" Then i had to tell myself he's only 16 years old. Then I realized that I wasn't much older when I started this very blog. That scares me. I've been doing this for almost four years (albeit with a 7 month break at one point.) So I decided to cut him some slack. My writing style certainly wasn't very good four years ago, and who's to say it is now? Anyway I'll be adding it to my list of blogs that I read and I wish him the best of luck.

clap clap

I Do Not Condone This

2007-12-20T16:07:00.003-06:00

It is merely an intellectual exercise.

Rules for breaking in:

1. Don't change anything. This is the most important rule. Unless you are an idiot you don;t want to get caught. The easiest way to not get caught is for them to not suspect anything is wrong. As soon as they notice something is amiss you have problems.

2. Get in and get out. Don't dawdle. The longer you are in the higher your chance of getting caught becomes. Yes, it is exciting and that's why you do it. But you'll have to get your adrenaline thrill in short bursts. You can always come back for more.

3. Get a key. This goes back to rule one. If you have to forcibly enter chances are they'll notice when they get back. Sometimes a key isn't necessary as people leave their doors unlocked all the time, but having one means you can go whenever you want.

4. Don't be seen. If you can see somebody, then they can see you. But you have to remember that just because you can't see anybody doesn't mean you can't be seen. If possible, wait until the neighbors leave for extra security.

I'll probably come up with more later.

More of the same.

2007-12-20T02:33:00.000-06:00

Let's see where this one goes.

Awesome is a small country many miles off the edge of the map. It is divided into two halves named North Awesome and South Awesome despite being split East and West. North Awesome (on the East side) is ruled by an iron fisted dictator, while South Awesome (on the West) is run on an anarcho-capitalist system with no centralized government. Every day in Awesome is Pizza Day. The chief export of Awesome is the little houses and hotels used in the board game Monopoly. The irony of the Awesome National Anthem is that the Eastern province (North Awesome) is forced to sing of the freedoms that only the Western province (South Awesome) gets to enjoy.

Have I changed? I suppose I have, I just can't notice it. I guess that's the problem with being stuck in my own observation created world; I can't see changes in the observerator. It's like an eyeball, it can see everything but itself. Don't bring up mirrors, because a reflection of something is not the thing itself, but rather a distorted image of it.

It's hard being an Evil Genius in the making. I mean world domination is such a serious goal that any villain worth his salt can't expect to achieve it without years of planning and subtle machinations. But when you're young you have all this ambition, you want to hurry up and get to the end. Sure, I could start torturing people in the basement but without an infrastructure to protect me from the repercussions what would be the use? And nobody's going to really believe that the doomsday device in the garage will work. Of course it will work, but to prove it you have to destroy everything, and then what's the point? It isn't the destruction that gives you power, it's the threat of destruction. But without a credible threat you can't get any power. I guess this is why most evil geniuses execute their plan in stages; first kill a few hundred innocents, take some hostages, keep your finger on the button, that sort of thing. Oh and kill that frakking John McClane. Don't tie him up, don't set an elaborate trap, just shoot him in the face again and again.

I think I want to write a novel. I like the double meaning of the word novel. On the one hand it's a book long story, on the other hand it's an adjective meaning quaint. you could always have a novel novel. I'm probably not the first person to think of that.

I may be crazy but I'm happy. I'd much rather be a little weird and a lot content than really normal and tired. Or stressed and confused.

You can't hide form the jinjabread man!

Be content with your lot. One cannot be first in everything.
You create your own stage. The audience is waiting.
Know the right moment and go for it.

I'm feeling purple today.

One of my favorite things to do is dance in public. Especially if it embarrasses somebody else.

Why are you still reading this? After all that, do you hope it will get better?

Sweeney Todd comes out the day after tomorrow. The Day After Tomorrow was not a very good movie. J-Depp will rock your face off.

My legs are really hot. Read that however you will.

My blue bunny loves My Beige Bear.

Keen observation skills have their benefits.

I like being up in the middle of the night and seeing who else is being an insomniac with me.

Sad girl.

Here's to the Crazy Ones

2007-12-19T20:28:00.000-06:00

It's not about Macs.

I've not written recently, but the urge just won't go away.

I've been home for almost a week now and things are going pretty good. Big Kevin came in for a night and it was fun seeing him again.

I got home and my classic bunk bed had been replaced by a queen size blow up bed. This isn't just an air mattress but an entire full sized bed, just filled with air. Similar to the sleep number beds, but without the number. Even though the bed is larger than most I've slept on my entire life I still hang off the edge. I have to sleep slightly diagonally on it, which isn't too bad, as I'm the only one on it.

My mother asked me if there was anything big that I wanted for Christmas and I said a pair of glasses. After searching at two other places, we finally found a pair that I really liked at Wal-Mart. They didn't even have a problem putting in lenses with no prescription.

I grow tired of typing.

This is What I Did

2007-12-12T21:44:00.000-06:00

A review of sorts.

Last night I went to the library to drop off all of the books I picked up over the course of the semester. As an Honors student, I can check out books for the entire semester instead of the typical two weeks or whatever it is. Because of this, I get books and they accumulate in my room and at the end of every semester I load up my backpack and drop them all off. I went with the intention of not getting anything else, because I would have to return it so soon. Despite my intentions I went up to the second floor where they have DVDs. I browsed through the selection seeing many that I wanted to watch, but finally settled on Hitchcock's Vertigo As I was walking to the door I spotted a green book on the new and popular shelf. It was called This is What I Did by Ann Dee Ellis. without really thinking about it I picked it up and before I knew what happened I had checked it out, in addition to the movie. AS I was walking out of the Library, I told myself that I would just have to return it with the movie without reading it, because I was leaving before it was due.

I walked back to my dorm and when I pulled out my cellphone I noticed that I had received, within two minutes of each other, a phone call and a text message. The Text was from Karol who wanted to rehearse for our Shakespeare scene, and the phone call was from “Ruth.” (Mom, you may want to stop reading here.) You may have noticed a few posts back that I mentioned talking to Claire in her car for about an hour on Sunday. This was a potential dilemma. On the one hand I needed to rehearse, as we hadn't actually done that and our scene was today. On the other hand, I wanted to see where, if anywhere, things were going with “Ruth”. I know she's nice, and I certainly find her attractive, but it is way too early to say in there's potential for something there. What can I say? I called her back, and ignored the text. She was on campus and wanted to know if I wanted my Arabic paper back.

Side story: About a week ago, I found a pink post-it note on the ground by the math building. On it was written what looks like somebody's to do list and a few lines of what is definitely not English. I picked it up and put it on my wallet. Later I showed it to Sara, thinking it may be Hebrew, which she studies. She told me it looked like Arabic and I should show it to “Ruth” (who is minoring in Arabic.) I showed it to “Ruth” and she couldn't decipher it, because the handwriting was really bad. After more pestering, she agreed to show it to her professor. I gave her the note and she told me she would get back to me.

We rejoin our main story currently in progress. She was willing to drop it off and asked what I was up to. I said I was just putting Vertigo into my DVD player (which I was,) and would she like to join me in watching it? She said that she would, and I said to myself that Shakespeare could wait. (Sorry Karol) I hadn't seen the movie in a really long time and didn't really remember what it was about. “Ruth” said she hadn't seen it before, but then she remembered that she had and that the ending was bad. I wouldn't call the ending bad, but it was certainly a bit of a shocker.

After the movie, “Ruth” left and I went to bed.

Today I met Karol before the final and we practiced our scene and it went pretty well. BTW, practice should be spelled with an 's.' After my scene I went to a local costume shop looking for a pair of nice fake glasses, but they didn't have any that were of any real quality. I stopped in at an antique shop and had a lot of fun looking at all the stuff they had.

Did I just say I enjoyed going antiquing? What is going on?

Anyway, after antiquing, I came back to my room and hung out for a while. I decided to take back the DVD and book to the library. As I was putting the DVD in my backpack, I saw that green cover again. I pulled the book out and decided to just read a little bit, besides the library is open 24 hours right now.

That was a little before eight. Two hors later I have finished it and it was good. It is written in a very particular style. Very short sentences, one line per sentence, and with the dialog written like in a playscript. I don't want to talk about the plot very much, because it is all interwoven and unfolds as you read it. I really identified with the protagonist and felt so bad for him as he struggled. Something that was really awesome was that between each part was a silhouette of various things pertaining to the story. Imagine my surprise when one of them was Mike and the Robots from Mystery Science Theater 3000.

If you know what MST3k is, you'll think that this is awesome, if you're not then you should be.

I checked and the library closed at eight tonight so I'll have to get up early to turn the book and DVD back in.

I now have to finish packing to go home.

I recognized her face.

Really?

2007-12-10T21:38:00.000-06:00

Again? Three posts in one day? I must really not want to do my work.

Because I thought about it after being asked about it in the past few days.

My top five (in no particular order):

1. Rosario Dawson
2. Zooey Deschanel
3. Kristen Bell
4. Alyson Hannigan
5. Uma Thurman

He sounds like a ghost.

Even More Things

2007-12-10T20:43:00.001-06:00

To waste your time with.

The last post was about this weekend this one is about today.

Today was cold and wet and blah. I felt much the same way. I had to wake up really early to go to my acting final where I didn't actually have to do anything because I did my scene last week. After that some of us went to IHOP and ate food and talked for a while. I then went back home and took a nap. My mother called and woke me from my nap. I played some video games and watched some tv. I then called Claire because she had sent me a message on facebook telling me to do so. I then attempted to get food at Sam's place. I've been eating Sam's place food for two and a half years now, and I'm really getting tired of it. The worst part is, there are really only so many things you can get there. They have signs that make you think they have more choices, but every time you try to get something like the special of the day, they say they don't have it. I don't understand why they have these signs if they don't have what's advertised. My temperament today has matched the weather rather well. I haven't wanted to do anything. I've also felt sick to my stomach for most of the day and Tums don't seem to be helping.

Here's a bonus, even though I was and am having a somewhat lousy day, I can't help but smile when watch this video:

The Best Way

2007-12-10T19:51:00.000-06:00

Is no way at all.

Finals are gearing up for me and it's going to be tough. I've got a paper to finish for theatre history, a project for lighting and a scene for my voice class. The paper and project are due tomorrow, and the scene is Wednesday. Overall, none of them are difficult, but I'm once again having a tough time motivating myself to do anything about it.

Other than not doing finals stuff, I had a pretty good weekend. Friday night a bunch of us went to someone's apartment and played games, then we went to Ransom Canyon to look at Christmas lights. This was followed by going back to Tech and going inside the big Christmas tree they have on campus. Then we went to midnight breakfast, which was free. Saturday a smaller group o folks met together and hung out. Our numbers dwindled as the day wore on and we ended up going to see a play called The Christmas Shoes, based on the hit song. The production was well done but the script was lacking. After the play we went to someone else's apartment and watched Elf. I hadn't seen it before and it was pretty amusing. Sunday evening I went to a party at Chili's where they had a gift exchange. I ended up with a copy of The Karate Kid. After everybody left, four of us hung out for a while longer. We tried to go somewhere else and do something, but everybody was pretty tired and after everybody climbed into Claire's car, she ended up just dropping everybody off. After we got back to my car, we ended up talking for oven an hour.

The Mystic man.

I Keep Trying

2007-12-09T18:23:00.000-06:00

But nothing happens.

I'm Still Waiting

2007-12-07T12:11:00.000-06:00

But hopefully not for too long.

While working on crew for the last play, I made an off-hand remark about how I would propose the exact minute I met the woman who's DVD collection rivaled mine. With some further thought this analogy actually works. Of course it can't just be comparable in numbers; after all while 120+ DVDs is remarkable it is hardly monumental. I'm sure there are plenty of women out there with at least that many or more. No, I'm looking for the collection that completes mine. For example I own three of the View Askewniverse films: Clerks, Clerks II, and Dogma. If I find the woman with Mallrats, Chasing Amy and Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, it will be a good start. We could then purchase Jersey Girl together as an engagement gift. Love is about finding the perfect compliment. Not necessarily the exact opposite of you but someone with whom you can make the perfect right angle.

No matter what you say, Children won't listen

People are Strange

2007-12-04T01:26:00.000-06:00

When you're a stranger.

I'm back on the Twinkies. I had gone a few months without partaking, but in the past three days I've eaten probably a dozen of the little yellow, cream filled, moist sponge cakes. They were all delicious. I'm eating another one right now.

Why do I know that?

2007-12-03T00:39:00.000-06:00

Because I draw conclusions with very little data.

I have reason to believe that my suite mate and his girlfriend have broken up. My reasons are twofold: I heard arguing and yelling from his bedroom not too long ago, and the next day there was a washcloth missing from the rack in the bathroom. This has no bearing on my life or yours, (for that matter, this blog has almost no bearing on your life) but I know it, and now so do you.

I've been struggling with life recently. It's not anything terribly explicit, but rather a lot of little things. My interactions with people, my schoolwork, my writing, and my future plans. The last two are related. Most of the schools I've found require a sample of my work. This would be fine on it's own; I have lots of work, but they usually want at least one or more full length plays. I haven't written a full length play. I'm not even sure what actually defines a full length play. Is there an approximate page length? I know two acts is considered 'normal' but an an act is only defined by an intermission. I'm not sure I have a long form play in me. There is one story idea I have, but It kind of scares me. (Both the story and the idea of making a full length play) There is another one that could benefit from being a longer play, it was my first script and it got pushed to the wayside when Stuck in a Tree popped into my head. The only trouble is I lost the original version of it, I would have to start over. There are two that I am currently working on that might end up full length, but I can't think of a second act for one, and the other causes me mental pain when I write it.

Sometimes I wish my life was a little differenter. (Yeah, I know that's not a word) I want to be insane, I want to be in jail, I want to be in love. The only problem is life is boring. We have to find the excitement in it. I have these urges to do something outrageous sometimes. The ability to stop those urges must be what we call sanity. I don't always want to be sane.

Today was the last day of Jitters, which I have been working crew for. The end of a show is always an interesting experience. It's sort of bittersweet. On the one hand, I was really tired of working on this show, but I also enjoyed the people I was working with and having something to do all the time. I did get to leave strike early because i thought I might have a concussion. Without going into to many details, I hit a batten with my face. At first I was just in pain, but the pain didn't go away, it migrated. About twenty minutes later my face no longer hurt but the back of my head did. I mentioned it to Vickie who is filling in as the TD and she told me to go home. I have since checked WebMD and it doesn't look like I have done any serious damage, but I'm still slightly afraid. The only thing anybody seems to know about concussions is that you are not supposed to go to sleep, so I'm not going to sleep. I have a bottle of Dr Pepper in the fridge and will probably drink it if I get tired. I took some ibuprofen and the pain went away for a little bit, but now it's coming back, once again in the back of my head. Right now I'm doing pretty good. Except for thinking that while I may not have a concussion, I may have done something else and now I'm on the verge of a brain aneurysm. As you may or may not know, I have a severe (and not exactly reasonable) fear of having an aneurysm. There are no symptoms to look for; one moment you're fine and the next you're dead. It doesn't make sense to be afraid of them because there's nothing you can do, but that doesn't stop me.

Side note: "but that" is only a misplaced space away from "butt hat."

This 'not going to sleep for fear of death' thing has also encouraged me to try out the 28 hour day. the 28 hour day is an interesting concept where you stay awake for 20 hours and then sleep for 8. When paced properly you are awake during the day on weekdays and up all night on the weekends. Your weekend also lasts 56 hours instead of the normal 48. For the scheduling to work out properly, I can't go to sleep until 2 o'clock tomorrow afternoon. Now I'll have lots of time to work on the things I have due tomorrow. I've been saying that since about 7 o'clock and still haven't done anything.

Why don't people understand my intentions?

"Steve is a Lesbian"

2007-12-01T13:51:00.001-06:00

Because he has no penis.

Sometimes I come to realize we live in a world of wonders.

Look at a mirror. YOU are seeing millions upon billions of light waves (or particles if you prefer) bouncing from any light sources in the area, off of you and everything else around you hitting, the mirror and then bouncing into your eyes. It's impossible to track, really track, all of these bouncing waves but if it were, the air would be full of tiny little lines emanating from everything.

Also, if you do a Google search on the title of this post (quotes included) you will fine nothing. (well you wouldn't have before this post, anyway) Yet there are probably over a hundred people who know that phrase and the song that goes with it. Despite what we think, you really can't find everything on the interwebs.

I'm not listening.

Band-aid on my Forehead.

2007-11-28T12:02:00.000-06:00

Yes I know it's a brand name.

My nose is stuffy.

I'm tired of Jitters. I've been working on the show for a while now and the excitement is just running out. A couple nights ago there was some chaos and we were told to strike the set at post show, then to not strike it, after we had already started. Then Jason snapped at me for something, I don't remember what, but I couldn't leave until my crew was dismissed, even though we weren't doing anything. Tonight was just really slow. I thought were were almost done with the third act when we had only just started the second. I did pick up a little when Topher, Thomas, Courtney and I were talking about favorite plays. This culminated with Topher and I discussing Angels in America. I made it clear that I didn't think it was very good, and Topher found this shocking. This was cleared up when he realized my only experience with it was the Tech production of the second half. He is now going to rent the movie for me and I'm going to watch it over the weekend and reevaluate my opinion

I've been really existential recently which has it's pluses and minuses. On the one hand I feel like there are no consequences of my actions and I have found myself saying things that I might not have a few weeks ago. on the other hand, I've been saying things that I may not have a few weeks ago. I spilled my guts to Craig about how I feel in regards to certain women, and I have no idea why.

Speaking of women, it's all a conspiracy. It seems to me like they don't appreciate boldness. the direct approach just doesn't seem to work. A while ago, I was explaining to Topher that I created "happy accidents" when pursuing somebody. Happy accidents could also be considered orchestrated coincidences. Women prefer their relationships to just come naturally, unfortunately that doesn't happen easily or often so it is up to us to make it seem as if it is. Being in the same place at the same time, or striking up a spur of the moment random conversation that lasts much longer that it should takes work. Yes it's creepy, but if you don't know it's happening what's the problem? You people need to be more paranoid.

I have my interview to be Lead Mentor next Monday. I really think I have a shot at the job, but I'm worried that it will have a negative impact on my grades if it takes up too much of my time. The interview should be interesting, It will be my boss, his boss, and the two current Lead Mentors. Of those people I know my boss and the Lead Mentors rather well and I think they all like me and think I have a real grasp of what the program is about and how to continue to improve it. I also picked up my last two checks today. I am now almost six hundred dollars richer.

Thus ends the verse

Just a quickie

2007-11-27T15:35:00.000-06:00

Next time you want to punch someone in the face, buy them lunch instead.

Cups and Cakes

2007-11-25T20:00:00.000-06:00

Where was I?

Oh yes, the moon.

Saturday I my family and I did a number of interesting things. We went to the post office and applied for mine and Kat's passports. We went to Half Price Books where I found An Evening With Kevin Smith 1&2 on DVD. My dad and I went to the Metro and saw Beowulf in IMAX 3D. It was pretty impressive, although it did have a few "Hey, look at us! We're in 3D!" moments. Saturday night my family and I watched TV together. I started doing my laundry and goofed off on the netterwebs until it was finished.

Sunday morning, I woke up, got dressed, finished packing, said my goodbyes and drove to Lubbock.

Once back in Lubbock I did nothing for a while, got bored of it and went for a walk. While out on my walk I accosted various strangers and told them "May you lead an interesting life." Sometimes I feel out of place when I'm on one of my walks. So many of the people I see are walking from somewhere to somewhere else. They don't seem to even acknowledge the world around them. As someone once said "Life is for the alive," If you don't bother to even stop once in a while, why bother?

The mini bar can be part of the art

Update

2007-11-25T01:06:00.000-06:00

She said maybe. Probably the worst answer. Oh, well.

I'll finish my weekend update later.

Thanksgiving Weekend

2007-11-23T23:39:00.000-06:00

Well the first half anyway.

Wednesday morning I get up at around 8 o'clock. I take a shower and start packing up. I already put all of my dirty clothes in baskets ready to be taken to my car. I also had to pack up my computer after double checking where James lives. I checked out a cart form the front office and used it to bring my two baskets of clothes, backpack with computer, pillow, and two coats to my car. On the way to my car I noticed how empty the parking lot was. I guess a lot of people went home Tuesday night like I wanted to.

I got lost on the way to James' place but I left early so I arrived on time. We chatted briefly and got in the car. I asked if he liked The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. Of course he did, which was good because I wanted to listen to the radio series on the way home. I had originally come up with this plan because we didn't know each other very well, and I was afraid it would be an awkward 5ive and a half hours. about an hour outside of town I stopped the iPod to answer my phone and after the call James and I ended up talking about all sorts of stuff and I somewhat regretted listening to the show instead of talking for so much of the trip.

I got home after dropping James off and hung out with my family for most of the evening. I sometimes need to take a moment and be thankful that we all get along so well. Sure we have a few little things, but we can spend an evening sitting around and talking and it's actually fun.

We then went to a Wednesday night church service. Every Thanksgiving my home church and another form down the street get together for a service followed by pie. I like pie. During the post service fellowship and pie, I talked to Erin. Erin is a girl who is currently a senior in high school and trying to figure out where she wants to go to college. Her family is also very good friends with mine. Being that I love Texas Tech, I talked to her about all the cool things the school has to offer. She agreed to come up for a visit in the near future, but I don't know that she actually will. If she does I'll have to find somewhere for her to stay, and try and set up a meeting with an adviser who could tell her more about the program she is interested in entering.

Thursday was Thanksgiving (you probably heard about this elsewhere,) and it was just going to be the four of us in my immediate family eating together. This was pretty cool as almost every other Thanksgiving I can remember we were with someone else, be it family or friends. We worked together making the food and had a lot of fun doing it. Kat made some really tasty pie. (peanut butter chocolate fudge) We ate around three and then everybody took a nap somewhere in the house. Kat fell asleep on the couch, my dad and I both sitting on overstuffed armchairs, and my mother in her bed (she's he smart one.) After everybody's nap we ate the pie. That evening we watched TV, because my family watches a lot of shows together. Some of them were episodes I had already seen or shows I don't watch regularly but I did it to be with my family.

After everybody went to bed I got on my computer to find that a certain someone was online. For those of you who are paying attention, this was the same certain someone who received my phone number in a previous post. We chatted only briefly because I couldn't think of much to say. I really am much more charming in person or over the phone, the whole IM thing is harder for me. About two seconds after I had decided to ask her out, she said she was going to bed and signed off. I actually had the message typed out and was trying to force myself to hit send when the program informed me that she wouldn't be receiving my message that evening. I kicked myself repeatedly for not doing it sooner (I had been thinking about it from the moment we started chatting.)

Side note: As I'm typing this she is currently online and I want to message her, but I've been thinking about it since yesterday and keep psyching myself out about it. I'll probably keep debating it until she signs off. Sometimes I am too analytical.

Friday (today) morning I wake up and am informed by my sister that we have to do the Christmas decorations today. This includes hanging lights on the house and putting up the tree. I think I'm going to stop blogging here and just ask her out. I may finish this later but who knows. The future is a mystery, lets hope for squirrels.

no, no, not lied at all.

Life is Weird

2007-11-20T18:47:00.001-06:00

So I hurt my had a few nights ago. It still hurts.

I really want to go home, but I can't because I'm giving a ride to somebody and we're not leaving until tomorrow morning. I should really start packing.

My right nostril has been stuffy for a few days now. Also not fun.

Things are looking up!
I've been looking the landscape over
And it's covered with four leaf clover

My right ear has apparently shrunk. I can't fit my ear buds into it.

There is a lot of trash in my room.

Sam's place has been closed for 4 hours now, and won't open tomorrow. All I have to eat is stuff I can find in my room.

I actually gave a woman my phone number last night. That was cool and weird.

I think I'm going to take my wii home for Thanksgiving.

I made a video of me eating a bowl of chili and will post it onto youtube in the near future.

Five foot eleven standin' in six feet of snow.

A Story

2007-11-19T10:06:00.000-06:00

In case the title of this post wasn't enough information for you, the following story is fictional. Any similarity to actual people or events is purely coincidental and unintentional. That is to say it is all in your head, deal with it. Happy now?

I knock on the door.

A few moments pass.

I breathe out and my breath bounces around inside the cloth of my mask and fogs up my sunglasses.

He answers. This is good, I don't have to use the note I have written on my hand. It says "Which room is Mel's?" If a roommate answered I would have flashed my palm so I wouldn't have to speak. That way they couldn't identify me by my voice.

The door opens slightly and I stick my foot in next to the jamb. This is a little trick I learned from the Community Advisers. Makes it harder to close the door.

My foot only rests there for an instant because once I realize it's Him I go to work. I shove the door into him. He's small so he offers little resistance. I make a quick scan of the bedroom doors. The open one, that's it. As I make it through the second door I see her. She isn't fully undressed, as I expected, but she is definitely on her way. I hesitate for about a second more than I should before I snap out of it.

I pull the tire iron out of the waistband of my pants and head straight for the television. A quick swing makes the whole set shatter. From there I move on to computer. It's a laptop so I just smash the keyboard a couple time and the screen once. I look for a final target as I turn back to the door. Yes, the big sliding mirror on the closet. I wind up and let loose as the glass shatters.

As I make it back to the living room it occurs that I don't want to be followed. I turn to him, and he hasn't moved. Everything has slowed down and my only question is: arm or leg? Arm or leg? Leg will definitely keep him from following, but all I want to do is focus attention elsewhere. Arm it is. One wide swing and a sickening crack later I am out the door and heading directly across the hall to the staircase. I couldn't have asked for better room placement.

As I go down one flight of stairs, I remove my outer shirt and mask. After only one flight I leave the stairwell. Just as I had planned, The laundry room is but a few feet away. I toss my shirt and mask into a dryer and quickly take off my pants and do the same to them. I am now wearing a completely different outfit and can move about freely.

I look down and see the tire iron still in my hand. Shit. I need to get rid of this. I shove it back into the waistband of my pants and cover the end with my new shirt. I had planned on returning to my room and sleeping peacefully but It looks like I have to make a detour first. With the tool concealed and my outfit changed I have no need to rush. I'm not what the police will be looking for. I hop on the elevator (if you're in a hurry you don't have time to wait for an elevator,) and ride it down the last two floors to the ground. I calmly walk through the building, glancing into the main office as I pass. No frantic activity. A good sign. Nobody has been notified yet, at least not here.

As I make it to the parking lot I see her car. That was going to be my plan B, but why can't I have a little from column A and a little from column B? As I near her car I slow down, checking for possible witnesses. Nobody is about, so I take my first swing. Passenger window. It feels good. I love that sound. I smash the windshield. It cracks but does not shatter. Stupid safety glass. I'll get back to you in a minute. Driver window. It breaks as quickly as its opposite. Back to the windshield. All I manage to do is punch one small hole after another.

That's when I hear the sirens. Two different sirens. My guess is police and ambulance. Now that I think about it, a fire would have completed the trifecta. I could have set it first and then taken care of everything else. Oh well, too late now. I leave the tire iron stuck in the windshield and start heading to my car. Too late, the cops have seen me. I break the first rule; I start running. I make it to my car and manage to start it up and back out before they catch up to me. I hope they don't think my petty vandalism had anything to do with the horrible attack inside the building, but one car is sent my direction, probably just to be sure.

I shoot down the lane in reverse before slamming it back into gear and turning. I make it out of the parking lot and drive along the only street there is. I have to get off campus. I'm coming up on the intersection. I'm already going 50 in a 20 zone. The light is red. No turning back now. I floor it.

Hang Yourself

2007-11-13T23:32:00.000-06:00

The above is not intended as advice that should be taken by anybody. It is meant to be a pun on RROAPS, which this post is about.

So once again I submitted a play to this year's Raider Red One-Act Play Spectacular (RROAPS). I thought it was much better than my submission last year and actually thought I had a chance to get in. I found out today that I was wrong.

I don't know what these people want. I think that is part of the problem.

My writing style is rather off the cuff. I write two pages of dialog a day. That's it. I don't typically set out with a plot in mind, I just see what happens. This leads to my plays being rather heavy on dialog rather than action, but that's where I find humor.

There is a response session that I can sign up for to learn why my play wasn't selected. I went to this last year and it was a rather painful experience. Having all of the flaws pointed out in your writing certainly isn't something people sign up for regularly. But I want to know why. Why they didn't select mine, what they didn't like. This is the closest thing I can get to figuring out what they do want. So I will be going through the torture again. I'll probably write about the experience later but if it's anything like last year, I'll walk into a room with a bunch of chairs fanned out in front of one single chair. This will be where I sit while each member of the RROAPS committee explains just exactly why my play was a steaming pile of bullshit.

Which reminds me: I'm pretty sure one of the reasons will be the title. It is called Two and a Half Hours of Pretentious Bull$#!+. Yes I actually spelled it with the punctuation like that. I thought it might help with the expected complaints. Yes I know the title could be offensive, it was meant to be. The play is a humorous look at performance art and one aspect of that is that some performance art is offensive just for the sake of it. Also, no it was not actually two and a half hours long, closer to 15 minutes.

I shouldn't get too down about it though because my submission last year was later picked up by my home theatre in Grapevine and produced as part of their Vignettes for Valentine's performance. Just because I was rejected here it doesn't mean it's a bad script or that I'm a bad writer, even if it feels that way.

On the bright side, he didn't get picked either, so Thumbs up for Slurpees.

Also, If you're here from facebook (I recently reposted this address) please check out the column to your right, there is some info for all intrepid readers who may know me.

It's a long lost cause I can never win

Don't Google Yourself

2007-11-12T22:36:00.000-06:00

Tonight was my first final Learning Community Group (I have my last final LCG on Wednesday.)

We (my LCG) went to a local Greek restaurant and at one point in the discussion Marta (my mentor partner on Mondays) mentioned that New York has recently passed a law making it illegal to say a particular obscenity. (It starts with b and is derogatory to women.) This launches me into a tirade about the first amendment and has me pulling out my copy of the Bill of Rights (much to the class's surprise) and quoting it directly.

We continue the discussion and it wanders all over the political field, I am enjoying the discussion as I usually do.

I get back to my room and decided to check my auxiliary email accounts (I have about 6 that I don't use regularly) one of these is based on my name and it inspires me to Google myself.

I find the usual things: a paraplegic Olympic gold medalist, the designer, the professor and the musician in England, but a new one pops up. This name twin has apparently written a book called (I wish I was making this title up) Saving Our Children From the First Amendment. Holy frakking frak Batman! Is this man the opposite me? I b rows through his book using Google Books and in the introduction he poses the question "Isn't this censorship? Yes, it is. But is censorship always an evil?" That is a direct quote my friends. YES, censorship is always an evil! Free expression is exactly that, anything different isn't!

This is actually maging me so angry it is getting hard to type so I think I'll leave it at that, but I must say I am slightly ashamed of the way my name is being used out there in the real world right now.

I'll C U next Tuesday, baby

Am I?

2007-11-12T16:02:00.000-06:00

I was indirectly called a bastard today.

In my acting class today we watched a rehearsal for one group's final scene. There is a pair of lines in the play: "You're a bastard" "Yes I am." Professor Scott was talking to Eric (the actor) about this line and was saying to him (in regards to his character) "you know you are a bastard and you're OK with it." Heidi, who is my scene partner for the class, then turns to me and says "Kind of like you." This was obviously meant as a joke, and I say stuff like it all the time, but there's certainly a different spin on it when someone else calls you a bastard rather than when you do it to yourself.

I talk about being a horrible person a lot, and I typically stand by that point. I'm very unsympathetic, and I have the tendency to find the negative in people and things and point it out. It's not meant as a hurtful thing, and I try to play it off as good natured, but I sometimes wonder if it doesn't come off that way and I actually hurt people.

And then I say to myself, "Oh well, whatever" and reinforce the whole being unsympathetic thing.

Love is always lovely in the end

Secret

2007-11-07T16:42:00.001-06:00

The thing about a secret is if you tell it to anybody it is no longer a secret.

So why do you think I'm about to tell you mine?

I hate you.

Groceries

2007-11-04T23:47:00.000-06:00

Well I hit another College Milestone. I bought groceries for the first time.

Now I have been shopping before at Wal-Mart, but if my purchase ever included food it was an afterthought, as I usually go to Wal-Mart for DVDs and other "less then essential" supplies.

But this time was a dedicated trip for the purpose of buying that strange category of items known as groceries.

This trip was brought on by a few factors. Firstly I was bored. I had already cleaned my room and taken out the trash, laundry didn't seem worthwhile, and there was nothing on TV. Also I am running low on money on my dining plan, so I figured I could do a practice run on the whole "feeding myself" thing.

Before leaving on this trip I made a list. After many years of watching my mother shop for groceries I understand the importance of making a list. I also assumed it to be a relatively simple procedure. I was wrong. My list in it's entirety is as follows:

food (it should be noted this is an item, not a title)
Dr Pepper
chili
crackers
Hot Choclolate (that's how I spelled it on the list)
Spaghetti o's (apparently I can spell spaghetti just fine)

While I understood the necessity and purpose of a list, I was unable to properly formulate one. I put the list in my pocket and left, hoping that I could figure out everything when I was at the store.

I knew food was at the top of my list so when I got to Wal-Mart I parked on the side that said food center. Allow me to rant on people in parking lots for a moment. I go down one of the lanes and there is a car stopped in front of me. I think they are waiting for someone to leave and start looking around for this spot that is about to be vacated. I don't want it for myself because this guy in front of me obviously has dibs, but once he has a spot, I can get one. We're sitting there for probably three minutes and I cannot see any car that even has it's lights on, let alone about to back out. At this point I want to back up and just try a different lane, but another car has pulled in behind me so I'm stuck. A full five minutes go by in total and this van finally turns on and pulls out, the car in front of me takes the spot and i move down the lane to one of the many open spots. is it really worth sitting in your car for five extra minutes just to get a slightly closer spot? In the amount of time you waited you could have gone to another spot parked and already be in the store. This is why America has a weight problem We are too lazy to walk an additional fifty feet. (on a further digression: My ex didn't like the fact that I have very little sympathy for the overweight. I have very little sympathy for anybody, but we live in a world of medical miracles. If you are that unhappy about your weight do something about it. And if the situation was really that bad, you can get a little blue thing to let you park in the handicapped spots. It's not that I don't like fat people, I don't like people who complain about situations that no one else is responsible for. Actually when it comes to women I like a little meat on their bones.)

Once in the store I get a cart, something I have never expected a need for previously. Because every cart in the store is broken, mine makes a loud popping noise with every rotation of one of the wheels. I have My iPod on, so it doesn't really bother me.

As I walk around the store picking up items that interest me and putting them in my cart, I repeatedly have to ask the question "generic or name brand?" This is not an easy question, because with the lower price of generic products you are taking a risk in regards to the quality of the product. For example I once bought generic Dr Pepper hoping to save a buck or two (Soda prices are outrageous) that was a mistake that I will not make again, but with other products the risk can be worth it. There was a sale on Wolf chili, so it was actually cheaper than the generic. Also A 12 pack of ramen costs the same as 2 cans of generic spaghetti o's.

I referenced my list repeatedly throughout my shopping, not to see if I was getting everything, but rather to make it look like I knew what I was doing. "I have a list, everything will be OK!"

As I wandered through the store I would come up with things that would be good to have, like sandwich makings. I got a loaf of pre-sliced sourdough for my meat sandwiches and a loaf of 100% whole grain for PB&Js. I can't believe it, but I actually bought wheat bread. Way to go mom, you've converted me. there was the problem of whole grain or whole weat, but whole grain seemed like the right choice. Of course I then had to buy things to put on the bread which led me all over the store. This further reinforced the importance of the list because with a well made list I wouldn't have to back track, wasting precious shopping time.

The checkout line was an adventure in itself. I am used to the express lane and could have made it, if I hadn't made the last minute decision to make sandwiches, so regular checkout for me. It is impossible to pick a good lane if they are all the same length, there's no telling what possible problems could arise for the customers in line before you. You have to just pick one and stick with it. I made it past the register having only spent 48 dollars. This made me proud considering I still had the fifty dollar check from LCT in my wallet. I stopped by the ATM to deposit it and overall tonight was a two dollar gain.

The final part of my grocery adventure was getting everything back to my room. Getting it to the car wasn't difficult because I had a cart, but it being a Sunday night I knew I would have to carry everything approximately 200 yards from my car to the building, then through 4 separate doors, any of which could be locked. When looking for a spot, I noticed an empty 30 minute spot. Fortune smiles. I was able to park much closer that I had expected and effectively cut 50 yards off my walking distance. (The parking lot is still too far from the dorm) And before anybody says anything, I know I just ranted about people trying to hard to get a close spot, but the point is that you shouldn't try so hard. If you get lucky, way to go.

It should also be noted that I got neither crackers or hot chocolate during this trip. My list skills still have a way to go.

And the band played on

I Hope That Something Better Comes Along

2007-11-03T16:42:00.001-05:00

"Stay away from women, that's my motto. I can't, that's my trouble."
- Rowlf the Dog

I think I finally realized I was single when I noticed that I sized up every woman I met for dating potential. From what I can tell this is not an inherently weird thing to do, but it certainly is a new experience. There have been a number of women who would fall into the category of "dateable." Unfortunately I don't really think any of them have placed me in the same category. Well there is one, but I don't actually know her. It's kind of weird. For the purposes of this blog I'm going to reference them by various pseudonyms.

Oprah: A nice girl but currently "dating Jesus" As someone pointed out to me I seem to like the weird ones, but this is a weird that proves to be an obstacle.

Monica: I've been interested in her for a while now, but I got shot down and haven't pursued it since.

Jill: Very attractive, but in what appears to be a steady long term relationship.

Erin: Too old for me, apparently.

Sweater (not the best pseudonym, but what do you want): Could be interesting, but we don't know each other too well and I think she might be interested in a mutual classmate.

That's all the ones I want to talk about for now.

There's something irresistibleish about 'em

Another Thought

2007-10-30T20:40:00.000-05:00

This one came to me today.

Everything should be sold in vending machines. There is such a great convenience in being able to buy things from a machine.

Suppertime

Some Recent Thoughts

2007-10-29T22:54:00.001-05:00

These are in little to no order.

I thought for a period of time that, it if wasn't for the sex with men thing, I could handle being gay. But the I realized that I don't understand men any more than I do women.

While I understand the concept of "dating Jesus" I don't think it's a very effective system. The world is not like a romantic comedy (as much as we might like it to be) and the perfect person will not stumble into your life in a whirlwind of coincidence and perfect mistakes. God doesn't work that way, it's too lame.

Apparently I have poor taste in women. Well that may not be exactly a shocker, but I have gained some new information in the past twenty-four hours that have reinforced the theory.

Sometimes I wish I was as dark, brooding and mysterious as I appear upon first sighting. Although I don't know if I actually appear dark, brooding or mysterious, but I'd like to think I do.

I feel bad for you two. You are still being dragged along behind her. I'm glad I got out. I want to feel bad for her too, but I just can't bring myself to feel those emotions.

I have seriously considered doing something stupid in the past few weeks. Well actually I did something stupid a few weeks ago, but I did it anonymously. This second thing might possibly make it not anonymous. And if my intrepid readers are smart they might be able to figure out what it was simply because I am writing about it here. That is the chance I take.

My writer's bock has broken a little it seems. The ideas are still few and far between, but at least I'm writing again.

I got paid fifty dollars for acting at LCT. I then went out and bought How I Met Your Mother season two. I love this show. It is very re-watchable.

I have to start looking for grad schools soon. Which means I have to start trying to decide what I wan to do in grad school. I thought I wanted to go into playwriting, and I do, but Dr. Chansky recently told me that she thinks I would do well in research. Despite all the warnings I have heard, I think Dr. Chansky actually likes me.

I submitted a script to RROAPS, and I am really afraid that I am being too hopeful about it. I really don't think I should expect to get picked, because the odds aren't in my favor, but I find myself thinking about the production and talking about it as if it had already been selected.

I'm also afraid about my trip to Canada. I really have very little planned and that's how I want it. However, I'm not sure it will turn out well.

I'm going to bed now.

I got so much to say
And all of it's cliché

Ineffable

2007-10-27T13:42:00.000-05:00

So I'm confused.

I've spent the last week or so hanging out a lot with Sara and her friends. This has been fun but I'm not exactly sure what to make of it. We hang and we talk and we do things but I'm not ever quite aware of where I stand. I enjoy hanging out with these folks and if that's all it ever is I'm OK with that. But if there is something along the lines of interest from Sara I'd like to just get it out and quit pussyfooting around.

I'm also having a serious case of writer's block. Both here and in my scripts. This worries me.

Say a little prayer for Mr. Fancy Pants

Passion of Faith, or God High

2007-10-21T06:12:00.000-05:00

I am a Christian. Just thought I should get that out there.

Tonight was a very interesting evening. At 1:20 I receive a call and head out with some people to go stargazing. We drive out to the middle of nowhere and look at a meteor shower. Really cool. We then Go to Wal-Mart and buy some cheesecake. We then go back to Bledsoe and eat the cheesecake. We then hang out and play Mafia for a while. One of the guys offers to give me a ride back to my dorm.

On the way back we start talking about Christianity. Not a good idea. I explain my views and he does the same. He talks about how sometimes he is filled with passion. This reminds me of the "God Highs" people would talk about after coming back from a retreat. This sort of thing has always confused me. I believe in God and salvation through Christ. I always believe that. I can't believe in it any more or less. It is a universal constant. My faith is not going anywhere. I was baptized and I am saved. I believe all who believe they are saved are. There is nothing that can be done to make one saved. No physical or outward anything. Salvation is a personal thing between a person and God. People like him remind me of the parable of the two men at the temple, where one yelled ad drew attention about his sins and the other prayed quietly to himself. The way people go on about passion and God Highs seem to me like the first man. You aren't supposed to be the first man. This is a little rambley, because I have been up for 21 hours.

Across the Universe and Time Off

2007-10-16T18:45:00.000-05:00

So Across the Universe finally made it's way to Lubbock. Yay.

It was a decent movie. You should probably go watch it.

This was going to be a much longer review but you can find very descriptive reviews elsewhere and I just don't want to bother.

In other news: Tonight is the first free weeknight I've had in a long time and it's good to be able to kick back and enjoy myself. I got done working shop hours for the day, came home took a shower and just relaxed. So far I've watched some TV, played some video games, I'm writing this blog, and I think I'll catch up on some reading next.

Sad Girl, taking every cue from every ad, girl.

Bhavas and Rasas

2007-10-13T23:13:00.001-05:00

Today has been a mixture.

The day began when I woke up and found Callahan sitting on the couch in the dark staring into space because he couldn't figure out how to turn on the TV.

Callahan came to visit from TCU to see me in Laughter on the 23rd Floor and spent the night because he didn't want to drive back at night.

I got dressed and we went to Spanky's for lunch. However the line was incredibly long at Spanky's so we went to Rasin' Cain down the street. It was good but not incredible.

After lunch we went to meet a friend of Callahan's who also goes to Tech. We couldn't talk for long because the friend is in the band and had to go to practice for the game.

I took Callahan back to his car and he left.

I came back to my room and did something I'm not proud of and don't want to talk about.

I was not feeling well so I called John to talk about it, but he was playing WoW and watching the game at Connor's so he couldn't really talk.

Eventually I went to the theatre for tonights show.

The show went wonderfully, the audience laughed at everything and we fed off that to make it even better. Although after the show a woman told me I reminded her of Ashton Kutcher. This was meant as a compliment, but was still a little painful.

After the show we discussed where to go and settled on Skooner's, because it's Karaoke night. I'm enjoying myself and telling the story of my previous exploits with Karaoke.

Andrew and I get to the bar at the same time and walk in. There's a guy at the door checking IDs and of course mine says I'm underage. He tells em they don't let anybody in under 21. This is of course bullshit because two nights ago I was sitting in the very same bar. Additionally I could have ordered a triple shot of tequila and nobody would have batted an eye.

I hate the laws in this country sometimes. Why on earth can somebody have all the rights of a citizen except the one to imbibe alcohol? I can smoke 3 packs a day which will kill me much quicker but God forbid I have a glass of champaign.

(Not that I'm in favor of more cigarette legislation either, I should have the right to choose what I do with my body, as should everybody else)

Also I got Psychonauts in the mail today and Allen gave me a CD with all of Modest Mouse's music on it.

Try Try Try.

I'm a Cynic

2007-10-06T03:44:00.000-05:00

I know, shock.

It's probably just the fact that I haven't been in a steady relationship for nine months now, but I can't help but laugh inwardly when I hear or see somebody talk about the love of their life. Especially people my own age. According to something called the Flynn effect every generation is smarter than the one before it, on average. Yet it seems (old man alert here) every generation is less mature as well. 30 is the new 20, college is the new high school. If these are the best years of my life, why do people keep living? Not to say I'm not enjoying my life but if it peaks at 24 why not stop there? The love of your life is not that easy to find, you are just really happy right now. You will probably be just as happy in the arms of some future person and in some cases you may have already been. Love is a roller coaster. Just get on and enjoy the ride while it lasts.

Also this is my 150th post. Yay.

That’s when I’m gonna make you cry

Nothing.

2007-10-02T22:40:00.000-05:00

I want to blog about something but I have nothing worthwhile to say.

I think I'll make this a blogging over time thing. I'll leave the window open and just type in thoughts as I get them.

Girls in glasses are hot.

Family guy is stupid.

Every single person in the world is not.

I spent an hour at Wal-mart today and didn't buy a single thing.

My sister has me listed as her top friend on MySpace. I don't know what to make of that.

I just flipped off my television. That is to say I gave it the finger, not turned off the power.

Radiohead is letting people download their new album and pay whatever they think is fair. This is cool. I probably never would have listened to Radiohead on my own, but this has greatly increased my chances of listening to at least this album.

Aristotle had it easy.

My suitemate has been having way too much sex. It's getting annoying.

I'm angry about doctrinal infighting.

It's illegal to sell sex toys in Louisiana. I hate the government. Why is selling anything illegal? Why is owning anything illegal? The act of trade is the basis for human interaction.

I got my first paycheck from Tech today. Wow, money is cool.

Someone once told me (indirectly) that once you date a woman, her friends are off limits forever. I can understand this in some situations, but I have to wonder more about the specifics. Is there a certain level of acquaintance that is acceptable for dating? Obviously top tier friends are off and I would probably even say that tiers two and three are no go. But what if the level of friends is nothing more than being Facebook friends? Or what if the friendship is only discovered after a relationship has begun? I suppose that the level of friendship would partially dictate the amount of time before discovery. If they were good friends it would be discovered much earlier. From here we can possibly create a timetable related to friend level. If six months go by without discovering a shared person in each member of the relationship's past, the level of friendship is suitably low so it would not become necessary to break it off. Of course if the relationship is being actively hidden from the third person, the system doesn't count.

I am actively reading seven different books right now. I would like to finish a couple of them but the others keep getting in the way.

I haven't played my uke in a few weeks. That really bothers me.

It's now almost midnight. I think I'll go to bed.

Then come back to the future.

Cohabitation

2007-09-30T23:48:00.000-05:00

So I have reason to believe that my suitemate's girlfriend is currently living in the suite.

There was the previously blogged about mysteriously appearing q-tips, and I've also noticed that said suitemate has really girlie bedclothes. I can probably ignore that since I just lost some serious cred myself by using the word bedclothes. Another indicator of possible cohabitation has been the number of showers taken in our shared bathroom in the past few days.

Sidebar: What the frak is Dane Cook doing in an ad for the baseball post season?

Supposedly I share a bathroom with one other person. Given the average amount of times per day a college student showers, there should be about two showers per day in my bathroom. However, I have noticed that the number of showers taken has dramatically increased over the weekend. There hasn't been in increase in the number of bathing products, but from my own experience, I know that doesn't explicitly remove the possibility of extra people living here. Additionally The toilet paper seems to have been dwindling at a faster than normal rate, but that could just be my imagination.

I'm torn between my jealousy fueled need to cause emotional pain to people who are currently not single and my libertarian desire to celebrate the freedoms that can be found in the college atmosphere. To report or not to report, that is the question.

Also I've been having serious recurring back pain over the past week. The first time was at rehearsal, and just now I got hit with another. I'm not sure If it's a posture thing, if I'm using a bad chair or if it's possibly something more serious. I don't really want to go to the on campus quack shack so I'll probably just keep dropping Motrin. Yes, I admit it. I enjoy Ibuprofen.

Also I received a bag of gummie worms in the mail. It came with a bag of gummie bears, a jury summons, a passport application and a bag of lifesavers. I've been eating the gummie worms and have found six mutant worms. Typically worms come in two styles: green and clear, or red and yellow. Mutant worms contain all four colors. It's possible the bag contained more mutants, but I ate a lot of them in the dark so I couldn't tell.

Also I'm currently working on three different performance pieces. There is the play I'm working on at LCT, (Laughter on the 23rd Floor,) a piece for my acting class (an excerpt from David Ives's Ancient History) and a short monologue for my voice class (Leonard Cohen's "Famous Blue Raincoat") This is all very exciting, but I'm afraid I won't be able to keep my memorizing straight.

Relax Sheila, I've got you.

Found

2007-09-29T21:04:00.001-05:00

How to tell one of your suitemates had a female guest over last night:

A giant box of q-tips appears with no explanation.

Topic Free Blog

2007-09-28T14:54:00.000-05:00

I know what you're thinking. "this blog is rarely topical anyway" True, but this time I've started this post with no idea whatsoever of what to blog about. Let's see what happens.

I still have a cold, but I've run out of tissues. I'm currently using paper towels until I can convince myself to go to wal-mart.

I have get my application for my passport turned in so I can go to Canada this summer.

I'm going to perform a scene from Ancient History by David Ives for my Acting class. This is very exciting because it is probably my favorite play by Ives and I wasn't sure I could find someone to perform it with me. We start rehearsing next week.

I've started using my New York accent for the play I'm in. I'm not sure how good it is, but I haven't had any complaints yet.

Callahan and his girlfriend are coming up to see the play on opening weekend. I offered to let them stay in my room, and it's probably going to be a tight fit.

Every woman I find myself attracted to is already in a steady relationship. Many moons ago I swore to myself that I would not be "That Guy," but I can now see where "That Guy" comes from.

Little Boxes on the hillside. Weeds is a fun show, but I'm not sure I like the direction this season has taken. I'm just now catching up on 30 Rock.

I watch too much TV.

This post is going to have a lot of tags.

I really think the Nelsons' story would make a great play. I'm just not sure what it would be about. (their blog can be found here.)

I can't frakking believe that Clark is 7 and a half years old. Where does the time go?

I have managed to stay on my two pages for the entirety of the semester so far. I had one bad day where I forgot about it until after I had eaten, but I wrote three pages that day to make up for it.

I submitted my script to RROAPS already this year and so did some other people I know. I just really hope his script doesn't get picked. I don't even know what it is about, and I don't really care, but if his previous scripts are any indication I don't have much to worry about.

I want my bands back. You can't have them anymore. I'll give back Wicked, Millie, The Cars, and even Cabaret, but I want exclusive rights to Ookla the Mok, the Streets and Moxy Früvous. I think that's why I've been listening to so much JoCo. He's all mine.

I never really liked "Unworthy of Your Love."

I need to take a shower.

Rock on Diego.

Damn you Booth!

Aristophanes' play The Knights is going to be the topic for my research paper. He makes fun of the leader of his country and discusses free speech.

You're fighting the outfit and the outfit's winning.

Edit: Apparently I was wrong about the Tags. there's a limit on the number of characters.

Being Sick Sucks

2007-09-25T23:18:00.000-05:00

So Friday I start coming down with a cold. No big deal.

Unfortunately this cold has plans. Plans to drive me crazy.

It started normally. A tickle in my throat, a little sinus blockage. But now it has progressed into the final stages of malaria. (Disclosure: I don't know what the symptoms of malaria are.) I can't go more than five minutes without needing to blow my nose. If I do go longer than that (say in class) I end up sniffing constantly so as not to let snot run into my mustache. (you've mentally watched it, you can't mentally unwatch it) My throat feels like it has collapsed in on itself. Eating anything is painful. I have a nearly constant headache. My lips are cracked beyond the threshold of pain, because I can't breathe through my nose at night. Meaning I breathe through my mouth which dries up and cracks painfully. And to top it all off, My nose is bleeding. My nostrils have become so chapped because of the constant nose blowing that they my last three tissues have come away with blood. This all may be disgusting to you, but I'm having to live through it.

Also, I applied for a position as an official Texas Tech Blogger. This would be an incredible opportunity for me. I would get to be a face of Texas Tech. Also I can imagine getting away with strange things because "I'm a Blogger" and a flash of my TTU creds. The latter part is probably just a fantasy, but a cool one none the less.

If you're a TTU official reading this in attempt to assess my ability as a blogger please disregard that last paragraph. Also, I would love to work for you. Blogging is very fun for me and I would love the opportunity to bring more people to the awesome college that is Texas Tech. Seriously, I love this college. If I could stay forever, I probably would.

Alrighty I have to go. Craig Ferguson is almost on.

That's right. A muscular blood pumping organ.

Sickness

2007-09-21T22:41:00.000-05:00

So this afternoon I feel a little tickle in my throat.

I know this little tickle. This little tickle is trying to tell me that I'm going to be sick soon.

This little has been steadily increasing since I first noticed it. So far I am asymptomatic otherwise, but it's a matter of time. I sucked on a lozenge that I found in my backpack but it had little to no effect. I though about drinking something warm like a nice cup of tea, but the only hot beverage Sam's has is coffee and then only in the mornings. I didn't want anything carbonated or caffeinated so my options were a little limited. I finally settled on milk. Now in voice class today we had it impressed upon us how dairy products are bad for your vocal folds (not cords and definitely not chords,) but I don't care. Milk is the only thing I have available that isn't corrosive to my throat, so that's what I'm drinking. Also I'm not planning on being a singer so I care even less.

Spiderman's master plan.

Quantum Flux

2007-09-20T00:37:00.000-05:00

There is a message in my inbox. I know who this message is from, and I know that the contents of the message are either positive or negative. However, as I have not looked at the message yet, The message is currently in a state of flux. It is both positive and negative at the same time. Only when I venture into the message proper will the waveform collapse. I'm not sure what a waveform is but when it collapses one of the options (positive or negative) will be destroyed and the other will become finite and measurable. I'm pretty sure the message is not about a dead cat, but if it is I will be sure to stop observing it.

So I have a paper to write for my Theatre History class. The paper is due in approximately 13 hours and 15 minutes from now. I know what the paper should be about and i know I need to start writing it. I have put off writing it for two whole days now. I had rehearsal tonight so I knew i would be up late working on it. I was afraid I would fall asleep while working so I purchased a couple energy drinks. I drank one of these at around 10:00 pm. Bad Idea. I am wide awake and watching an Infomercial about a steam machine used to remove wrinkles from clothing. Also for the past hour and a half I have been making various humming noises and feeling a burning in my stomach. Apparently this device is for people who are to stupid to use an iron without burning their clothing. Also it comes with a shoulder strap so it is "completely portable," as long as you are within reach of a household plug. The guy selling this has been on other infomercials I've seen in the past, but I don't know which ones. I want to punch him.

Your clothes reek.

Ahoy, Avast, Arrr.

2007-09-19T15:18:00.001-05:00

Yo ho ho! It be Talk Like A Pirate Day!

Avast ye scalawags, and go out and talk like ye be pirates.

Alright that's enough of that.

While I really like the idea of talk like a pirate day I find it much harder to put into practice. On the one hand It's a neat idea that not enough people are aware of. When I go up to people today and say thinks like "Ahoy!" All I get is strange looks. The word of TLAPD needs to be spread around. Unfortunately I don't think the mainstream world would latch on to an idea like this. On the other hand, if everybody did talk like a pirate for one day it might lose some of it's weirdness, which make it less than cool. On the gripping hand, it would still be really cool if everybody talked like a pirate for one day. On the left foot, if TLAPD caught on there would be an increase in demand from the ninjas, cowboys, robots, clowns and penguins for their own day as well. On the right foot if all of those groups got days it may not be talk like a [blank] day because, for example, ninjas don't talk.

On my roommates hand, if there was a talk like a ninja day, everybody on earth would be silent for 24 hours. Except for those frat boys who would say something stupid. Of course if that were to happen everybody would kill them and it would be OK because the ninja defense (I wanted to kill him) would be acceptable for all ninja related murders on talk like a ninja day. On robot day everybody would wear boxes that had been spray painted silver, listen to techno music, and dance the robot. I'm not sure about cowboy day and penguin day, but if we combined them it would be pretty cool because the idea of penguins dressed like cowboys is just too cute to pass up. Clown day would just be a 24 hour long cream pie battle.

Upon looking back over the previous paragraph, I realize (once again) that I'm a genius. What on earth am I doing writing this blog when I could be out making the world an awesomer place? Then I realize that the quadruple dead bolt on my door won't let me out, except for one hour a week for recreation time.

She asked me if I wanted latte or Darjeeling tea.

My Calculator

2007-09-14T17:57:00.000-05:00

In ninth grade, as far as I can recall, I decided I wanted a graphing calculator. My mother and I went out and we plunked down the 99 dollars for a TI-83 Plus. It was a good entry level calculator with an instruction manual over an inch thick. I tried reading through it but only made it a few pages before I realized that it could more than I would probably ever understand. I instead began focusing on the things it could do that I could also do, like algebra.

In my science class, I began making very crude animations. Basically I would fill up the screen with 1s and 0s and when you scrolled through them it looked like it was moving. This activity allowed me to miss the soap opera drama that was going on all around me.

My friends at school also had graphing calculators that they used to create rudimentary programs. This made my little animations seem cheap but I didn't care; they were for my entertainment only.

One year at SUM/TAG a friend taught me how to draw using the graphing feature. A skill I promptly forgot. At a similar camp I used my calculator to figure out the necessary equations for a java based version of Settlers of Cattan.

In tenth grade I enrolled in a college algebra course at my local county college. On the first day of this course I received my very first college syllabus. Contained in said syllabus was a note requiring me to get a graphing calculator. I was not worried because I had my trusty TI-83 plus.

I continued using my calculator through out my high school career. My mother became a math tutor and teacher, and she would borrow my calculator when she was teaching. I was fine with this because I knew she would treat it well, and I could get it back whenever I needed it.

When I left for college, I had to take my calculator with me. My mother was somewhat upset by this because she too had grown fond of my wonderful mathematical friend. However I was going to be an engineer and all engineers need a good calculator. My mother recognized this and showed me her understanding by giving me her slide rule that she used in college. I still don't know how to use the slide rule.

In my engineering classes everybody brought their calculators. I'm afraid I must admit I was struck with a pang of jealousy when I saw the calculators of my engineering comrades. They all has T-89s at the least. But I stuck by my old friend and we managed to make it through together.

After my first year, I had learned that engineering would not be my path. My need for my calculator friend could be drastically diminished depending on what major I chose. You loyal readers will know that I ended up in theatre, a field not known for its heavy use of the calculator.

I was too attached to my trusty calcy so I still brought him back with me my second year of college where I expected him to rest in my desk drawer for the majority of his last days.

But all was not lost between my calculator and I for I had a scenery class that required the occasional use of a calculator for drafting and the like. My good friend was waiting patiently of me at the back of my drawer, ready for action when I called. It was just like old times the two of us working together solving the mysteries of the math universe. A perfect team once again.

The next semester he returned to his drawer home, but it was nice while it lasted, and I knew he would be needed again some day.

Our story does not end here, for Jacie took a statistics class this summer and I was more than willing to let her enjoy my old friend as I once did. And I knew he would enjoy getting out for a little while. Jacie came and left my life but my calculator came back, if only to continue living its quiet life in my drawer.

This semester I am enrolled in the principles of lighting class. Lighting involves photometrics and photometrics involve math. on the first day of class, just like that day many moons ago, I saw on the syllabus that we would need a calculator. And just as before, I smiled because I had my trusty TI-83 plus waiting for me. while the rest of the class groaned at the thought of solving for x I rejoiced because I knew m calculator would not let me down.

The fateful day came today and I was prepared. I had placed my calculator in my backpack the night before, a feeling I'm sure it had missed. When we began working today it was like magic. My fingers flew across the keys and I was the first one finished with the worksheet. When checking my answers I found a wrong one, but it was a mistake on my part. My calculator didn't mind though because he knew that in my excitement I had just read the question too quickly and given him faulty data. It has happened to us before and it will happen again. We have an unspoken agreement not to let it get between us. Once we finished, I closed the case and put my calculator back in my backpack where I plan to leave it for just a while because I'll feel better with him near.

There's a part of the story I skipped, because it is painful. When I turned on the calculator today I expected to see that little cursor up in the corner. That single blinking eye letting me know my calculator was ready to work as hard as he could. I did indeed see that cursor when I hit the button to wake up my friend, but before the cursor was some text masquerading as an equation. The words JACIE + KEVIN = LOVE were staring at me, followed by that winking little eye. In this moment i became furious at my calculator. How dare he bring me this reminder of grief? Does he want nothing more than to hurt me? My rage subsided and I realized my anger stemmed from a misunderstanding. My calculator wanted to give me a pleasant surprise. He was just passing on a message that had been given to him to make me happy. How was he supposed to know what had transpired in his slumber? I quickly forgave him and we performed our mathematical magic, but I was saddled with the realization that I could never look at my calculator quite the same way again.

What ever happened to Fay Wray?

I miss you

2007-09-13T14:32:00.001-05:00

I miss you. All of you. Every person who was in my life before and has since left.

Today I looked back at all of the people I've known. Even considering that I'm not a terribly social person, there are so many people I've known. All of them have had some sort of hand in who I am today. Despite what I sometimes think, we are not in a vacuum. Everybody you meet has some effect on who we become. every human interaction is a butterfly flapping its wings in that chaos theory we call life. Here's a list of some of those people, in the order I remember them.

Eric
Anthony
Emma
Marcus
Tom
Robert
Lindsey
Lindsey (there were two of them)
Brandon
Tony
Max
Jack
Jim
Casey
Jordan
Travis
Kelsey
Kaci
Joel
Micah
Ben
Andrea
John
Max
Shane
Toni
Pam
Jessica
Stephanie
Francie
Beckah
Henry
Cathie
Chris
Mary
Lacy
Chris
Chris
Chris
Mark
Jacie
JD
Jessie
Taylor
Daniel
Pratheba
Katie
Will
Michael
Joey
Kyle
Debbie
Jack
Terri
Sherry
Bob
Austin
Andrew
Alex
Alix
Amy
Jamie
Van
Taylor
Marcus
Randy
Arron
Destiny
Daniel
Zack
Alex
Stephen
Brittany

Those are all the names I can think of at the moment, but there are so many more people I can think of whose names escape me. Which is a shame. I wish things could be the way they used to be. I wish I was as good a friend as I used to be. I wish you were in my life more. I wish you all will have incredible lives. I wish our paths may cross again.

I believe in you.

Time for some MetaBlogging

2007-09-09T00:28:00.000-05:00

I don't exactly think MetaBlogging is redundant, but it's close.

I've been reading the archives of this site, as I like to do sometimes, and have found some interesting things. I will list them along with some related thoughts here.

In June 2004 I wrote a fake interview between myself and a reporter at the midnight release of the third Harry Potter Movie. This might be the earliest record of me writing dialog that could be considered a script. This is interesting because I just finished the Script that I am submitting to this year's RROAPS today.

For the closing lyrics of one of my posts I used "fell in love with a girl" which informed my that my recent discovery of the Wite Stripes was in fact a rediscovery. Either that or i was quoting the polka version Weird Al did.

August 2004:
Patty O'Shneeegins. At one point in time. Kelsey and I decided to call Bennigan's this. It didn't last very long. I have also not been to a Bennigan's in a very long time (possibly a year.)

Communists. Even back them I didn't like them. My form of rebellion was to post the opening of the communist manifesto in the dialect of Elmer Fudd. I still hate Communism.

It's interesting to see the way I wrote back then and now. I'm not exactly sure it's gotten better but it has indeed changed.

There some interesting things I want to do but probably wont for one reason or another. The second is to go through life wearing my Arthur Dent costume for a week. (The costume consists of slippers, flannel pajama pants, a blue t-shirt and my green bathrobe) The first is possibly even stranger; I want to spend some time in jail or prison. (There is a difference.) I watched way too much Law & Order today (there was a marathon on USA) and I am now really curious what the penal system is like to go through. The easiest way to do this would be, of course, break some serious laws, but the other repercussions from this would have a negative effect on my life. I think it would be possible to work something out wit a particular jail, but I'm only basing that on things I've seen on TV and in movies. I'll have to chalk it up as another thing of cool things I would like to do and write a book about. For what it's worth It will be replacing "go on a long road trip with friends" as I shall be doing that next summer by going to Canada.

I tried going to the Honors College Cookout today, but it didn't really work. I am not a social creature. They did have some tasty hot dog things.

Also of note: I recently listed this blog on Technorati and so implemented the title thing instead of just writing the first line as a de facto title/introduction thing.

Or buy you a beer with a Draino chaser

2007-09-08T17:59:00.000-05:00

I've had an inspiration.

A few months ago I mentioned a fashion statement known as the Frat Tuck. This odd way of only tucking in the front three to five inches of one's shirt Confused me, to say the least.

At first I though it was possibly a sexual thing. I'm not really sure what kind of sexual thing but that is what I guessed. However in the past few days I have noticed a trend in the nature of those who wear the frat tuck. Almost all of them also have large obnoxious belt buckles. I've seen those sorts of buckles at kiosks at the mall, but It never occurred to me that people actually bought them. For those intrepid consumers who did venture away from these fabled kiosks with a purchase in hand, it is important to let others know of your acquisition. Unfortunately in our current modern era it is terribly unhip to gallivant in public with your shirt tucked in. The solution to this problem is, of course, the frat tuck.

It is also possible that I have the chain of events backwards. It could be that the frat tuck came first and does, in fact, have a sexual connotation, and the belt buckle is just another shiny object to draw more attention to the designated area. Who knows.

I know that you know
That I'm not telling the truth

2007-09-07T21:59:00.001-05:00

Loss.

So tomorrow is my last day without facebook. I haven't decided if I'm going to get on in the evening which would be one week after I signed off, or waiting until Sunday. The loss of facebook hasn't been dramatic by any means there were only a few times when I wanted to get on. There was one close call when I accidentally clicked the link in my bookmark toolbar, but i closed the tab before it loaded. There were also a few times when I wanted to check some information about somebody, and I would think to myself, "I can look at facebook" only to quickly realize my mistake. For all those of you who worried, I successfully made it to Cole's party, although later than intended, because I was working.

In addition to the loss of facebook, I also rencently lost my position as Member At Large for the TTU chapter of USITT. This is somewhat of a mixed blessing because I enjoyed the work, but I'm not really a good fit to the organization. I'm not a designer or stage manager, and I have no plans to be. I did enjoy being in a position of responsibility, even if we (USITT) didn't really accomplish much last year. The other two remaining members of the executive committee were reelected, so I somewhat expected to be as well. Even though I'm not sure I wanted to continue in the organization anyway it kind of sucks to lose at anything. I told myself that I probably wouldn't be active this year if I wasn't reelected, and that will probably be the case. I want to clarify that it is not out of spite of losing the election, but because I don't really belong in the organization. I'm trying to focus more on my writing and while I would have time for USITT I don't think I would have the commitment. Fred said, you don't have to be a designer to join and cited me as an example, but I feel out of place so I'm probably not going to re up this year.

There's a third thing but it is not a loss. At least not yet. At the moment it's not much of anything. I'll get back to you once I figure it out for myself.

He played trumpet and he died.

2007-09-03T20:18:00.000-05:00

So Darn Itchy!

I got my bike out of the repair shop last week, because they fixed my flat tire. It had been a long time since I rode my bike and I had forgotten how fun it was. Cruising across campus is so easy on a bike, and much faster than it should be. Not half an hour after getting it back I'm riding to the theatre for safety training. I make a turn on a gravel area, like I've done many times before, only this time I'm not quite used to it yet, so I totally wipe out.

I'm not terribly injured, but I'm bleeding a little, so I bandage myself up, with my incredible first aid skills.

That was about 5 days ago, and I've healed pretty well but my elbow, which is where i got hurt the most, is extremely itchy. I want to take the bandage off and scratch it like crazy, but i know that would be a bad idea, so i just sit here with an itchy elbow.

If you think that a kiss is all in the lips
C'mon, you got it all wrong, man
And if you think that our dance was all in the hips
Oh well, then do the twist

2007-09-01T22:44:00.001-05:00

I quit facebook.

Now don't get wild on me just yet, I temporarily quit facebook. It wasn't a planned event, but rather I was trying to think of some humorous way to update my status, and I typed something along the lines of "Kevin is getting off facebook for a week, because he can." I don't know the exact quote, and I can't go check it because I've quit facebook.

For the first hour or so, it wasn't too bad. I've gone whole days without c hecking facebook before and so I figured this would not get troublesome until at least day three. I was wrong. I forgot that facebook sends you email updates, whenever something happens. Not an hour after I signed off, I receive an email stating that Cami, whom I haven't spoken to since before the summer, wrote something on my wall. Once again had this been a planned experiment I'm sure I could have found a way to turn off these email notifications, but alas I was being spontaneous.

Also it occurs to me, as Cole signs onto AIM, that I don't know where his birthday party is this Wednesday. I'm sure it will be no problem to ask him about it next time I see him, but I'll need to remember to do so.

The third item on my list of things I should have done beforehand is tell people to check this blog for updates. I don't exactly advertise my blogging because I put some pretty heavy stuff here, but occasionally I'll link to it on my profile for 24 hours.

I guess this is a good a time as any to welcome any intrepid readers that have stumbled here from facebook. Welcome! As mentioned in the previous paragraph, there is some heavy stuff that gets posted here. I should note that this blog is about me and my outlook. This is one of the few places where I am 100 percent honest. That's not to say that my feelings don't change. What I wrote here three years ago is very different than what I felt three weeks ago, and that is decidedly different that what I felt three days ago. So intrepid readers, I invite you to comb through the archives, but be warned, if we know each other you might be mentioned, I might have used a pseudonym I might not have. Any thing on here is something that I deem worthy to posted on the netterwebs. That means it's important to me. If something I post here bothers you that's OK. But rarely (read:never) will I edit previous posts. I say what I mean and I mean what I say. I may not be proud of what I put out here but I mean it. If you want to talk about it go ahead, I have comment links for all of the posts, or you can just ask me about in the real world. If it's here it's fair game for discussion.

Also, also: I recently discovered The White Stripes. Why didn't anybody ever tell me that this band rocked so hard?

Yeah, I swam beside the hair
She had one white eye
One blank stare
Lookin' up, lyin' there

2007-08-27T20:42:00.000-05:00

There seem to be a lot of short posts here recently.

This one is no different.

2007-08-26T20:55:00.001-05:00

The definition of pathetic:

A 20 year old man lying in bed at night with a stuffed animal watching the E! True Hollywood Story.

Also on an unrelated note, I think I've been a bastard recently, and I think I need to check that.

2007-08-24T14:02:00.000-05:00

This is an amendment to my August 13 post. Pretend it's right before the last line of the post.

If this is all untrue then it won't bother you, but if it is, maybe you should do some thinking.

That is all.

2007-08-23T01:57:00.001-05:00

So I'm single.

This is not news, nor is it a particularly bad thing. when talking to my roommate today the concept of being single came up. We were discussing people who claim to be single by choice. This was quickly dismissed as a lie told by guys who had been single for too long and were trying to rationalize it.

however upon further thought, this doesn't have to be the case. I suppose one could choose to be single. Being single is easy. It can be fun. But it can also be lonely.

I'm not a physical person. I'm not comfortable touching people or being touched. I'm pretty good with handshakes, and I can fake hugs well but they're not exactly pleasant. When I'm in a state of being that could be called not single, I have somebody I can touch; somebody who can touch me.

I can understand why people have hook-ups and one night stands. Physically feeling somebody is an incredible experience. Most of the time people live in a vacuum, they are the only living thing in the world. In Douglas Adams's Hitchhiker's guide to the Galaxy, the protagonists meet a man who knows what he is sure of. The only thing he can be sure of is the present. Everything else is only in his mind. This is how people are weather or not they know it. It is impossible to be 100% sure of anything outside of our current experiences, and even those are suspect. someone (possibly Heinlein) once said "there is only one sense, touch. The others are all simply extensions." I take this one further and say that the others are lesser than the primary. thus when we touch somebody our perceptions and another's interact as closely as they possibly can. Somebody else said "we are all born alone and we die alone." We walk though life alone and when we touch somebody else somebody alive, we are that much closer to not actually being alone. We can feel experience and understand being with somebody. those moments of being not alone are few and far between. Cherish them.

I miss being touched.

2007-08-21T12:44:00.001-05:00

Just a moment...

We interrupt the ukulele story to bring you this thought for the day.

Being single means following through on all of the crazy ideas you have because there's nobody to tell you not to.

2007-08-15T22:07:00.000-05:00

Adventures with the Ukulele.

Many moons ago I bought a guitar. It was a nice guitar: an acoustic/electric Takamine, and it set me back about five hundred dollars. I played it rarely and a few years later sold it for three hundred.

After the guitar I decided I preferred the Bass. It only has four strings and I only have four fingers this works out well. Trouble is you typically have the choice between a stand up bass and an electric one, both of which are way out of my price rang. In addition the stand up bass is very large and hard to move while the electric has a ton of extras that you have to have with it. I chalked it up as a lost dream and left it at that.

Not as long ago I stumbled across a video of somebody playing a ukulele version of Jonathan Coulton's Code Monkey. (available at Jonathancoulton.com)This amazed me, and my music dreams were alive again. With a uke, I have the benefit of four strings and it's also very portable. After some shopping online I determined that the price range was also much more reasonable as well.

I boasted to my friends of how I was going to learn to play the uke, and was mostly met with a dismissive attitude of "that's cool, whatever." But I was to prove them wrong. Not days before I left for Twin Arrows I walked into Guitar Center with about two hundred dollars in my grubby pocket, with the sole intention of walking out with a brand new ukulele. I spent what seemed like fifteen minutes standing next to the ukes, admiring them and not a single soul approached me to sell me one. Come on! Don't these people work on commission? Somebody must want to sell me an instrument. but no luck. I returned shortly with my mother in tow, hoping she would lend an air of credibility to my shopping, but still no salesperson appeared. We left, downtrodden but not beaten. Later that day we called another Guitar Center and asked about ukes for sale. I was told that there were a number in stock, and that when I arrived at the store and ask for David (name changed because I can't remember it.) With David's name in hand we entered the store...

More to come later, I'm tired of typing.

2007-08-13T00:03:00.001-05:00

Taking pleasure in your pain.

Is it wrong to enjoy the suffering of others? Probably. Does that keep us (meaning me) from doing it occasionally? Nope.

You're miserable, I'm happy.
You're having relationship issues, I'm living relationship free.
You're stuck in the same rut with a different guy, I'm doing what you said you wanted to: finding myself.
You're the same person, I've actually grown.
You're crying, I'm laughing. (that one I don't know for sure, but knowing you...)

I'm no longer bitter, I'm just better.

I don't know about you, but getting dumped by you was the best thing to happen to me in a long time.

It's also funny how feelings shift. last post I was tired of being single, and now I see the opportunity in it.

Makin' me feel glad that I'm not you.

2007-08-11T23:48:00.001-05:00

How I spent my summer vacation.

AT the beginning of the summer I decided to travel down to San Antonio and see some friends. I hoped to see Andrea, John and Micah. I had last seen Andrea at the end of the year, John at the end of my freshman year and Micah nearly three years ago. Due to some scheduling and money problems I didn't get to go down when I had originally planned, but I was determined to get down sometime this summer.

Lo and Behold, I find out my dad has to teach a class in San An a week after we get back from Oklahoma. I contact my friends and ask my dad if I can tag along.

Unfortunately, not 24 hours after I tell John that I'm coming down, he learns that his grandfather is dying and he'll have to go to Lubbock. Oh the irony. Also Andrea is heading to Lubbock on Wednesday to visit her sister.

So we arrive in SA Town Sunday night and my dad and I go see Harry Potter 5 and have dinner at Hooters. I'm expecting a call from either Micah or John about hanging out but When john calls I learn more of his grandfather's problems.

Monday I sit in the hotel all day because Andrea is at work, and cant get down to SA until Tuesday, and Micah doesn't call until that night. The hotel was actually not bad, I practiced my Ukulele, watched TV, and rode the stationary bike in the rec room. That night my dad and I go see Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer.

Tuesday Morning Micah picks me up and we drive around trying to find something to do. We walk around down town and see the Alamo (not terribly impressive.) Eventually we go back to his Apartment and play some video games. Megan, Micah's Girlfriend comes over and after many phone calls we manage to get Andrea to the apartment as well. Mich and Megan have never been to Freebirds, so we all hop in Megan's white Ford Bronco (the OJ chase car) and have some great burritos. Micah has to go to work so The three of us left decide to go hang out at the nearby mall. We walk aroiund the mall and hit all the important stores: Hot Topic and Spencer's. I buy a 13 dollar t-shirt at Hot Topic, because I just don't have enough t-shirts. We joke about me getting a makeover, but we forget to follow through on it.

We stop in at New York and Co. because they are having a really big sale. I'm doing my best to have fun by joking about trying on some of the clothing. Megan finds a dress that she looks gorgeous in, and Andrea gets a cute shirt for her upcoming audition. And because that last sentence didn't make me sound gay enough, I tried on a pair of capris that looked cool. It was supposed to be just a funny thing, and Megan didn't think I would go through with it, so I did it to prove her wrong. The strangest part is that fit great and looked really cool. I'm not entirely sure if Andrea and Megan said so to be nice or because they did, but I liked them and ended up buying them. I should mention that I learned some interesting things about women's pants. Most importantly is that the zipper flap is backwards. I mentioned this to Megan who said I shouldn't get them if it would be a problem, but it actually isn't that bad. I'm also concerned about what my parent's will think so once I've purchased them I remove the tags and put the pants in my Hot Topic bag.

After the mall we go visit Micah where he works: the Office Depot copy center. I had previously mentioned making a bunch of copies of the word fjord as part of a performance art thing I wanted to do so I plunked down my last ten dollars on 130 copies of the word fjord. Something else that would have to be explained to the family.

Side note: My Mother mentioned that her mother mentioned something about how I did my own thing, and that was cool(not her words.) I think the Girl pants and copies are further evidence of that fact, but that doesn't mean that my family needs to be aware of them at the moment. I'll tell them eventually, once enough time has passed.

While being driven around by Megan and Andrea we listened to the soundtrack to the Tenacious D movie. One of the songs contained the line "Government totally sucks," which I can identify with.

Wednesday I hang out with Micah and Megan some more, Megan takes us to the park that we tried to get to the day before, and we walk around and eventually end at Incarnate Word where Megan goes to school. She takes us to the blue hole which is one of the sources of the San Antonio Rio. I take a drink from it because I can and hope that brain worms don't kill me. We meet some of M&M's (I love that nickname) friends and we all watch the latest Bourne movie. This is followed by a trip to a local pub where they sever Scotch Eggs. Yay! For the uninitiated, A scotch egg is a boiled egg wrapped in sausage and the deep fried and eaten with mustard. It's incredibly yummy.

The Pub is having goldfish races and most of us enter. In goldfish racing there each racer has a goldfish in a rain gutter filled with water. The race shoots the fish with a water gun to make it go and the first to the other end wins. I lost in the first round, and when M&M faced off we learned that huge boobs beat a big penis every time. After the pub we went to heather's house and just hung out and talked for way too long. But it was lots of fun.

While at Heather's I really felt an annoying pang of being single. There were a couple couples that were not so subtly making out at one point and I was jealous. Not much I can do about it, so I tried to be polite.

I should also mention that the pants were worn all day Wednesday along with my new shirt. I noticed a few other things about pants made for the fairer sex. Firstly they (the pants) are slightly stretchy. Don't get me wrong, I've been around girl pants before and I knew they had some give to them, but I didn't know how awesome that actually is. They're just fun to put on. Secondly is the pockets. The front pockets are too small. I could barely fit my wallet in one and my phone in the other. I understand why women carry purses for all their stuff: they're pockets are just inadequate. Also the back pockets were sewn shut. There were pockets there, I just had to remove the thread keeping them closed.

I get back to the hotel at around 1 AM expecting everybody to be asleep. Which is incorrect. My mother is up reading. i was planning on nobody being up so i could slip out of my pants without any awkward questions. I should mention that I wore my new t-shirt to distract from the pants as a backup measure to the plan, but no such luck. My mother is aware that I have worn nothing but carpenter style pants for the last 8 or so years, and quickly noticed the new pants. I tried to play it off, but without much luck. I think the fact that I had new pants at all distracted from further inspection. Thankfully.

Thursday I managed to see John for a few hours in the morning. We went to the mall, hung out got some cookie cake and went to the goodwill store. It's weird how easy it was being back together, I think it was because we kept in touch so much over the past year. John also gave me the DVD of The History Boys. which i have been meaning to see for a while now. For Lunch I met Micah and Heather and Amanda at Jason's Deli. It was fun talking to them. Micha and I hung out a little more before he had to go to work and then I went back to my hotel.

My family went to the cheesecake factory for dinner and we bought Wild Hogs on the TV in our room. The Movie was surprisingly funny and worth the time.

Friday morning we woke up, packed and went back to Grapevine.

Hoops I did it again.

2007-07-27T00:02:00.002-05:00

Current waster of time...

So I installed Freedom Force on my computer a few days ago, and I totally forgot how awesome it is. For those of you not in the know, Freedom Force is a Squad based superhero action game based on some RPG system. I don't know what system, but aparently nobody used it, so they made this game. It rocks.

In other notes:

When I started writing this, Super Powers by OOkla the Mok was playing. I was going to end my post with some of the lyrics, but then the song changed to Traffic Lights by Monty Python. This reminded me that Kelsey hated the song and would get mad every time I sang it at a traffic light. There are certain upshots to being single. That is certainly one of them. Following Traffic Lights was Crayons Can Melt On Us For All I Care, a ten second ditty about wasting time and not crayons by Relient K. Now is the Finale from Rent. It should be noted that this is the first Finale and not Finale B which follows Your Eyes. Your Eyes was a bit of a let down. I said to my self "This took him a year to write?" and the actual Finale (that is Finale B) was also somewhat pointless musically. Yes (SPOILER) Mimi doesn't die, or returns from death, or what ever (/SPOILER) but that's about it. It's certainly not hummable. I like hummable music. Or at least music I can whistle to. I told Jacie about my whistling habits and for some strange reason she remembered them better then I did. The reason it's weird is because i don't remember saying them the way she said I did and they were also not exactly accurate. So maybe she didn't remember them so well after all. As I typed that last bit, Shall We Dance from Crazy For You started. It doesn't have much in the way of lyrics, but it did remind me of dancing with Jacie in front of the security camera. There are some downshots (is that a word?) to being single as well. I Should also mention that I intentionally stretched this post to this length talking about my music because I thought a short post about a five year old video game would be boring. It's now just a longer post but still relatively boring. La Vie Boheme B is playing. Hmmm, two Rent tracks that close together, how random. this is another instance of the 'B' phenomenon, as I've decided to call it. I'm pretty sure Rent is the only musical to utilize this phenomenon, but that's what makes it unique. Not very unique, but only because you can't modify the word unique. I told my father that it bothered my that people modified unique and he then started doing it whenever possible. Never show weakness. The Only Thing Worse Than Beating A Dead Horse Is Betting On One, is Relient K's short political diatribe with another long title. Jack, Jack, Jack, Head in a Sack, was a part of the introduction in the original cast of Into the Woods, but broken up on the track list for the London Cast. I prefer the connected version for the most part. For a short while the songs got ahead of me typing because they were short and I was long winded. I've now caught up and the song is Nothing Is Too Wonderful To Be True from Dirty Rotten Scoundrels. I don't want to end with those lyrics so lets see what happens next. Baby's Head by Ookla the Mok. Good choice.

Baby's got a soft spot

2007-07-25T01:35:00.000-05:00

The Lord protects his barbers.

Well I've had a whirlwind of adventure in the past few weeks.

Also It appears to have been nearly a month since I updated.

I mentioned my Spanish class going to a Mexican restaurant in the last post. This was fun. I mostly watched my class get drunk (they had $2 daiquiris.) I managed to get a ride with some of my classmates because I didn't want to drive. The two people I was riding with flirted the entire time even though she has a boyfriend. The whole thing hit a little too close to home so I just stayed shut up. I decided that the restaurant was close enough to school that I could walk back, so I did. I stopped by Ralph's Records on my way back. I've been meaning to go to Ralph's ever since I heard about it early in my freshman year, but it took two years for me to actually get there. I got three DVDs (what addiction?) Pleasantville, Pauly Shore is Dead, and Talk Radio. The first was because I just watched The Cooler and was craving some more of that delicious William H. Macy. The second because I've been meaning to see it for a long time. The third is an adaptation of a play by Eric Bogosian, which I recently read and enjoyed. The rest of the summer semester was rather uneventful, but I did manage to make an A in both of my classes.

Be forewarned that this post is going to wander from here on out.

Since I'm not currently in a relationship I've been thinking about them a lot. It started with my Final paper for Script Analysis. I wrote about the repetitive nature of relationships in David Ives's plays, particularly in the play Ancient History. The play is about the relationship of Jack and Ruth, two characters that pop up in a few other Ives plays. The play begins ans ends the same way -- with Jack and Ruth dancing. It takes place over one evening where the two discuss their relationship and eventually decide to break up because of ideological (particularly religious) differences. They decide, however to break it off slowly because they like each other too much. They will just be together less and less until they are no longer a couple. This play resonated with me in part because of the break up I recently had (second in six months;) For longer than I care to admit, I knew that Jacie and I wouldn't end up together, but I didn't want to end it, because it was too nice.

After Kelsey, I decided that I had a clear definition of what dating was and it's purpose, that is a constant interview process for a future wife. However I've come to re-evaluate this a bit, because it now seems too strict. It is a good place to start, but what happens when on realizes that the relationship isn't going to work? There is such a great feeling in waking up next to someone beautiful (no, not just physically.)

In this year's Raider Red One Act Play Spectacular, the one thin that stuck with me the most wasn't a play but rather a dance called Lay With Me. Even though the title is grammatically incorrect, it was a beautiful dance set to the song "Chasing Cars." I can't remember who sings it, and I only recently learned the name of the song, but it's a song that has stuck with me ever since I first heard it at RROAPS. The lyrics that matter are: "If I just lay here/ Will you lie with me?/ And just forget the world" That is what I want in a relationship. It doesn't seem like too much does it?

We'll return to our regularly scheduled schedule recap after I deal with some questions from My friends' blogs.

Lauren first because I read it first:

First I don't think you can fully understand Truth because we filter everything we know. However, there is one absolute truth and I seem to have this overpowering need to get as close to it as I can. This manifests itself in many ways, I'm Paranoid and I write. The paranoia makes sense, although the writing may not. When I write I am creating fictional relationships (not necessarily like the one discussed above)and examining how they work. This examination allows me to better understand how people work, because I step into their shoes and try to understand how another way of thinking works. (Aristotle said "For this reason, the art of poetry belongs to the genius or the madman; of these, the first are adaptable, the second can step outside themselves" I'm the madman.)

Justice is not the same thing as fairness. I'm not sure they should be. Is justice of man or God? I don't know, but I will give you my "Two Laws." These laws are what I came up with when ranting about politics and I think they should the basis for the rules of a good society. 1. Don't Hurt People 2. Don't Steal Stuff. The second, I believe, comes from the first but I thought it should be clarified.

Love. This is a hard one. There's a great bible verse on love: 1 Corinthians 13 4-7, or thereabouts. That's a good start. The Greeks had four different types of Love and those are alright too, but I think a little limited. (Look them up) I've been in love and I've not been in love and I think I know the difference. Get back to me when I'm dead and I'll let you know more.

Kaci, You're next.

How I pray:
Usually I pray silently. I start off by being thankful for everything. I Start off with the good things and move on to the bad. I try to thank God for the things I can't understand or the things that cause me pain, because I know they are there for a purpose. Often I stop here. If I go on, it's usually a conversation. A very good youth leader once asked me (and the rest of the youth group) to just listen to God for ten minutes. It's not easy. I try to focus on listening more than talking because anything I would bring up is already known. Rarely do I speak out loud, and if I do I'm in an extremely emotional state and it comes with tears or shouts.

My most recent break-up was partially caused by a difference in prayer. (Weird no?) She was strongly opposed to ritualized prayer and didn't even like the Lords Prayer. There has been many a night when I could do nothing but repeat the Lord's Prayer for hope. No other words would come. I stuck with "Thy will be done" because what else can we ask for?

I tend to end my prayers with Amen, or my slightly updated and translated version "Make it so Number One"

I don't think there is a wright or wrong way to pray. Do what feels right, God is listening anyway.

Also for the next post on your blog (after the prayer one) All we can do Love and Believe.

I got back home rather uneventfully, however before leaving My father and I went to the Lubbock Community Theatre production of La Cage aux Folles. It was BAD. I was glad that I didn't have to take Jacie, because I would have had to say something nice about it and that would have been nigh impossible. Only one of the actors could sing. Only two were miced. (remember, the rule is: mic everybody or nobody, and if you have a choice choose nobody.) The orchestra was too loud, the chorus was painfully bad. The point of the showgirl chorus is to not be able to tell which members are man and which are women. This was the case in the LCT production, but only because they all looked like ugly men. Even the women. Especially the women. The director apparently didn't understand that the show is about beauty, not making fun of men dressed as women.

I bought a ukulele. I'm learning to play it.

I bought some more DVDs: Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure, and Arrested Development season 3.

This year at Twin Arrows was my first as an adult staff member. It was very different and I had even less interaction with the participants than ever before. I got to know Mr. Price and Callahan better than I had previously, and Callahan even wanted to go on my ill planned trip to Canada. I spent a lot of the course on my computer between doing things.

After TA, was the BBQ. We went up to Castle Rock in one day. Sort of. We picked up my grandmother's van but had to return it because it was leaking fuel. Instead we took her Buick, which broke down in Colorado Springs. So we spent something like 12 hours in the car and still had to drive over two days. We spent the first part of the week in Denver, and visited a really cool half priced bookstore (not the chain.) We also spent a day trying to find a movie theatre and ended up seeing Evan Almighty. Not a bad film. Not as funny as I would have hoped, but with more story than I expected. Wednesday was my mother's birthday and we went to the Castle Rock Diner, and had fried food.

Thursday was the start of the BBQ proper. I'd rather not talk about it here because it's kind of exclusive. Ask me about it and we can talk.

I read a few books recently. "God Save the Mark" By Donald Westlake, and "The Terminal Man" My Michael Chrichton. The Westlake book was a quick and fun read in his typical comic style. The Chrichton book however made me question why I read his books anyway. I fell asleep many times reading it, and it was so horribly dated. I think reading his new ones is alright because they're only dated in the future, but the older stuff is way off base in it's depiction of what the future was going to be. I'm now typing on a computer that was, according to the book, an impossibility. I also started the Final Harry Potter Book. It's good so far. Another book I've picked up is "Soon I Will Be Invincible" I can't remember who it's by, but it's good. I tells the same story from the eyes of a new super hero and an evil genius. I really like how the narrative switches back and forth.

I started writing this post at 5:55 pm and it's now 1:27. I could probably go on, but my truncating of the last two paragraphs means I'm probably tired. This post is long enough anyway. Look for more soon. Also I'm pretty sure Kat is reading this. Please ignore anything you find displeasing. And sorry to Kaci for the grammar. BTW I might minor in English.

My senses finally blurred.

2007-06-26T21:13:00.000-05:00

I'm feeling a little depressed today so begin: emo

This isn't really a depression with an easily pinpoint-able cause. I though it might have something to do with being single again, but that doesn't seem quite right. I thought it might be about the end of the summer semester, but that seems wrong also. It's kind of the depression that says I should go out and do something, but I don't really have anything to do. Maybe it is that alone thing after all. I packed up all of my DVDs yesterday in an effort to begin packing because I have to move out on Saturday. I don't have many videos to watch on my computer right now, other than some episodes of the X-Files and Farscape. I should write one of my papers for script analysis, or my final written assignment for Spanish but I'm not feeling the motivation. I think I might call somebody to talk to, but that feels kind of lame.

I was a part of a psychological experiment today and for 30 minutes of work I got ten bucks. I then lost my ID card on the way back from theatre but found it while retracing my steps. That's pretty much all I've done today. Tomorrow my Spanish class is going to a Mexican restaurant. I'm not really looking forward to it. This is all I can think of to say.

You could be a hero

2007-06-23T18:41:00.000-05:00

Sorry for the language in this one.
(If you don't like it, you don't have to read it.)

I've been thinking recently (as I am wont to do,) and I keep coming back to the same conclusion. Maybe conclusion isn't quite the right word, but this thought keeps popping up in my mind. I could be sitting in class or reading somebody's blog and it just hits me - This is Bullshit. people make generalizations about everything and everybody, and it's all just bullshit trying to make people sound intelligent. Michael Moore is bullshit. He lies to people to try and change their minds. Script analysis is bullshit because the playwright is just trying to write the best play they can. No you can't understand the play better than the playwright can, you can just make up some bullshit. Blogging is mostly bullshit from people with too much time on their hands and a desire to share their bullshit. (I include myself in this description.) Art is definitely bullshit in one of it's purest forms. It's a painting, or a sculpture, or a film, or a piece of music, either you like or you don't, anybody who tells you otherwise is selling you some pretentious bullshit. here's some more bullshit: everybody is alone and can only interact through sharing bullshit. that may be true often but any time you hear words like always, never, everybody, nobody, everything, or nothing your bullshit alarm should start ringing. Even something like "there's an exception to every rule" is bullshit, it practically tells you so. I'm not trying to be cynical here, I don't really mind the bullshit too much. What else are we going to do? But as the saying goes, opinions are like assholes, everybody has one and they're probably full of shit.

Have a nice day.

2007-06-18T11:07:00.000-05:00

A Song in Progress.

We started as friends
A smile to long
And one or two nights
Without sleep
The smell of your hair
That look in your eye
Those few happy nights
Turned to weeks

But you can't go back
My decision is made
You lost what you had
All that it was
It never shall be

You were the first one
To make me alone
You're gone now
But I have healed
You were the second
We should have stayed friends
Because what we had
Wasn't real

But you can't go back
To lets just pretend
Reality is only
A one way street
You said goodbye at the end

You are the last one
I know you are waiting
But I have mistakes
Left to make

But I can't go back
To where I want to be
Happy in some other's arms
You made your decisions
I'm left here empty
And all I have left
Is to pray.

Does anybody out there want to write some music? I can be the Stein to your Gable.

2007-06-16T23:25:00.000-05:00

The last three days. What I am.

In the last three days I've learned some things. Most of them are, long term speaking, good things to know. I learned (once again) what I believe. I learned what a friend believes. I learned that she won't be with me because of her beliefs. I learned it's not my fault. I learned how long it takes to walk to 34th street from Freebirds. I learned I'm still OK. I learned I wasn't on the rebound. I learned I wasn't in love. I learned to watch my mouth. I learned to set an alarm. I learned that my paranoia wasn't enough to end a relationship. I learned the perfect woman is still out there. I learned more about said perfect woman. I learned she wants nothing more than to stay in and watch a movie every friday night. I learned I might not be ready for her. I learned Freebirds isn't quite as good without company, or it may have been that I forgot the BBQ sauce. I learned that there are people not too far away that are much worse off than I am. I learned that I still like sunflower seeds and combos. I learned Ron White isn't as funny as he once was. I learned I can survive on my own. I learned what a hypocrite really is. I learned the devastating effects of guilt. I learned that crazy chicks are crazy. I learned that it doesn't always hurt. I learned how quickly things change. I learned how easy it is to expand the present into the future. I learned I can still do my best, and no more. I learned the value of $1.09. I learned it is a bad idea to eat a giant burrito and then walk a few miles at a brisk pace. I learned that it had been to long since I had eaten a hamburger. I learned that a lot can happen if you let it. I learned to open up more. I learned when to stop.

I also learned when to keep going. Here are some thoughts as to what I am. These are also posted on facebook.

I am male. I am a meat eater. I am a book lover. I am trustworthy. I am a film lover. I am a paranoid of the nth degree. I am loyal. I am a self loathing playwright. I am a libertarian. I am easy going. I am helpful. I am firm in my beliefs. I am an actor with middling talent. I am friendly. I am healing. I am a pack rat. I am an amateur. I am courteous. I am one who delights in all forms of theatre. I am that guy in the hat. I am kind. I am alone. I am slightly existential. I am obedient. I am an honors college mentor. I am a collector of gnomes. I am cheerful. I am the owner of many black t-shirts. I am thrifty. I am not quick to anger. I am protective. I am brave. I am a student for life. I am going to have an effect. I am loved. I am prone to making mistakes. I am honest. I am forgiven. I am much more bark than bite. I am clean. I am hopeless. I am alive. I am a teetotaler. I am reverent. I am reasonable. I am rash. I am a consumer. I am an Eagle Scout. I am analytical. I am a collector of input. I am intellectual. I am a maximizer. I am a leader. I am relatively computer savvy. I am a blogger. I am a listener. I am full of solutions for problems you didn't know you had. I am telling you more than you wanted to know. I am a Texan. I am a work in progress. I am here. I am forgiving. I am only so pliable. I am singing. I am going to double check. I am quiet. I am unknown. I am far from finished.

2007-06-11T15:15:00.000-05:00

The paranoids worst friend.

I've blogged about being paranoid before and I've blogged about the internet before. Here's a dose of both.

The internet is terribly open and anything put online is easily findable and very hard to hide. Paranoids have a strong belief in what I'm going to call the Absolute Truth. The Absolute Truth is what reality is made of. We perceive reality in a certain way but this way isn't the actuality because we taint it with out perceptions. Paranoids (well me at least) try to get as close to the Absolute Truth through gathering and cross checking information. The internet has LOTS of information. If there's a particular person I want to know about, I can usually find out a lot about them through the internet. I don't really like doing this but the ability is there and sometimes it gets hard. Another way paranoia manifests itself is in jealousy. Jealousy is paranoia with a goal, and that's when it gets really tough.

Sometimes the hardest thing to believe is the truth.

2007-06-07T14:37:00.000-05:00

Big black Xs on my hands.

Last night I attended my first club. It should be noted that it took aver two years of being in college before I even did that. To make up for it (not really) I went to The Luxor on karaoke night.

Jacie called me and said that some people were going to The Luxor and asked if I wanted to come. I figured why not, and in actuality I would do quite a number of strange things if Jacie invited me. For about a year I would pass the Luxor as I drove down fourth and I thought it was a strip club. I was mistaken. I don't remember when I learned the truth, but the Luxor is in fact Lubbock's gay bar. My only fear was that I might get hit on, but that really didn't bother me too much because Jacie would be there to act as my reverse beard, and I felt that I could politely decline without too much trouble. Jacie decided that she was going to dress me up, but little did she know how uniform my wardrobe is. I have t-shirts, jeans, shorts, and little else. After much scrounging, she managed to find a polo for me to wear. She also insisted I wear it in a style apparently known as the "frat tuck" where only the frontmost six inches of the shirt are tucked in. I also wore my all white hat which is one of the two summer hats my family made be buy to wear instead of my black one. (the other one is straw.)

Once we arrived at the club we had to show the door girl our IDs and that's where I got the previously mentioned Big Black Xs. Another college first. It was karaoke night which is the real reason Jacie wanted to go. She sang three songs and I sang Meat Loaf's Paradise by the Dashboard Light. Both parts. All eight plus minutes of it. At one point in the evening our entire party (jacie, myself and three others) retreated to the women's restroom to call some guy and invite him to the club as well. Those that knew this guy had thought he was gay until he got in trouble for some sexual harassment stuff with the other girl. We were inviting him so that we could have him be hit on by one of the gay guys there n retaliation. Even after he showed up the plan didn't really happen but there were a few fun moments.

I will say my inner libertarian really enjoyed the experience and the atmosphere. The bar was a place where people could come and be themselves. There were couples holding hands and making out in all the various configurations and nobody even batted an eye. I really enjoyed the sense of freedom the atmosphere created. And it just made me wish people were more accepting in general. It should also be noted that I still think the worst way to accomplish that goal is through government regulation.

As we were leaving we ran into Topher who seemed vary surprised to see me and Jacie there. We got back at around 1:30 and the Big Black s came off with relative ease.

Though it's cold and lonely in the deep dark night
I can see paradise by the dashboard light

2007-06-03T00:04:00.000-05:00

New meme.

So I've seen tons of those internet surveys going around, and so many of them have the same questions that it's downright boring. I decided to try and remedy this by making my own. I'm not posting it here but if you know where to look you can find it in the wild. It has two distinguishing characteristics that will help me identify it if it makes the rounds on the tubes and I'll still know it's mine. I'll give you two clues: Aquaman and "the number after Z."

If you do spot it in the wild please fill it out and repost it. I would love to see random people filling it out in the future, so if you spot it please put a comment here on the blog with a link, or at least a description of where you saw it.

Thanks

2007-06-02T22:43:00.000-05:00

I keep thinking of things to blog about...
But then I don't and I forget them.

Some of those things include:

A connection between me and Aristotle.
Furniture.
Song lyrics, maybe?
My crazy dreams.
The warmth of another.
The state of my love life.
Books I've read.
My new hats.
Summer school.
Movies I've bought/watched.

But like I said, I've forgotten it all.

2007-05-25T14:22:00.001-05:00

Towel Day and other thoughts.

Today is Towel Day. Towel day is a day to celebrate the life and works of Douglas Adams by carrying around a towel with you all day. This way people will be able to say about you "there's one hoopy frood who knows where his towel is at." I also planned to celebrate by rereading The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, but I woke up late and forgot.

My life has gotten weird recently. I've been home for about three weeks now but it isn't. I'm not sure I'm comfortable calling Lubbock home either but that is mentally my base of operations now. I guess I'm just getting older but it seems like my family and I have drifted apart somewhat. That seems like it might happen after two years of living apart. But now when I come back I feel more like a guest. Everybody had their own lives and I'm just watching and adding my skewed commentary. It seems like my mother is constantly trying to find something to do with me because she's not used to having me around.

This brings me to another thought. What do people do? Last year being on vacation seemed like such an awesome thing, I had all the free time in the world. Now I've been back for thee weeks and I need something to do. I will have something to do soon though, as I'm going to summer school. I was talking to my dad about the lack of things to do and he pointed out the last few times I've been home, I've been spending my time with Kels. As that is no longer an option and since Jacie is busy doing her own thing, I've had even less to do, so to speak. Of course I didn't really talk about my initial question. I still don't understand what people do with their time. My dad goes to work comes home, and hangs out until he goes to bed. My mom sits on her computer and reads books, my sister does something I guess, but she's usually out of the house. This may be why I'm choosing a career that could be called less than traditional.

I woke up again at 5 o'clock this morning to write. This is the second time I have woken up from a dream with a script idea on my head. Lat time it was a dinner party with lies and deception, but this one was a much more straight forward revenge story. Well it was relatively straight forward. I sometimes wonder if I have any chance in the world of playwriting if all I ever write is little four page scenes. I'm thinking about doing something along the lines of a 24 hour world deprivation thing to see if I can even write a full length play.

2007-05-21T15:00:00.000-05:00

Because the previous post was kinda mean...

Here's a poem about a unicorn.

Look into her eyes
what do you see?
Do you see you there,
or something so different?

She is not like you,
her soul is too pure.
She is one of them,
she's a unicorn.

Do you know,
what a unicorn is?
Do you know,
where they go to play?

She knows, look into
her all knowing eyes.
She has seen them play,
and she was seen them laugh.

She is a unicorn,
far different from you.
I am with her now,
because I'm one too.

I found this when I searched for Unicorn poem on google. Second link.

I think I'm going to go puke a rainbow now.

2007-05-21T14:24:00.000-05:00

Stole this from a friend on Myspace...

But I didn't want to post it there.

THE RULES
* List ten things you want to say to people but know you never will.
* Don't say who they are, use people only once.
* All who read this must post in their own journal.

1. Leave him. I Don't care how much you love him; He will make your life miserable. You shouldn't be afraid of someone you love.

2. I love you in a totally heterosexual way, but your homophobia keeps me from saying it.

3. Thank you for saying no. It led me to the next person.

4. I never liked you. I think you are a manipulative person and a disgrace to the Rank.

5. I think you could be really cool if you would just stop smoking pot and drinking to be cool.

6. You're an alcoholic and it makes me laugh because I hate you. I don't really have much reason I've come to learn but some things just aren't rational.

7. Every time I say your name, I mentally add the subtitle "the Slut."

8. I think you are a lonely and pathetic person who can't make friends in the real world; so you use the internet to try and find some fake form of interaction.

9. From now on every time i see you, I will see what you did. I don't care about the circumstances. I will want to systematically break your fingers, carve things into your flesh and the whole while listen to you scream and apologize and I will laugh.

10. I treat you differently because of your disability.

11. Stop being the attention whore. I want to be the attention whore.

It's one angrier.

2007-05-18T20:12:00.000-05:00

In memory of a stupid cat.

Nine lives.
Nine years.
You showed up in our garage.
Mistaken for a piano.
We coaxed you out.
So full of energy.
Hiding in closets.
Monikers described you.
Mistakenly de-clawed.
Fighting in the jungle.
Winning more than not.
King of the table.
Or stairs.
Or chair.
Wild by birth.
Tamed by a Kat.
You frightened you senior.
Owner of two dogs.
It started with a sore.
A strange growth on your leg.
You never lost your spunk.
We called you "Lumpy."
And briefly "Oozy"
But you were too wild to be named.
You sat on the table.
Ate what was before you.
You fought till the end.
You will be missed.
You will be remembered.
The Cat With No Name

2007-05-14T22:17:00.000-05:00

An End of the Year Post

My second year of college.

While it might be a little late I'm going to do a little pre-summer wrap up. The fall semester began with me joining the Theatre department at tech. This was a big step for me and it took me a few weeks into the semester to actually make the decision. I wanted to do it but still couldn't convince myself that it would be a good idea and turn out all right in the end. In retrospect I was the last one one to know that I was going to make the decision, My parents knew as soon as I told them that I didn't think engineering was for me. This decision was without a doubt for the best. I have had so much fun and been much happier in theatre than I was in engineering and most importantly, this is what I want to do.

This isn't to say that it's been all sunshine and daisy pops (whatever those are.) I've done some hard work and had some trouble with scheduling, but I don't remember ever really complaining. I received a thank you note from my Stage Manager after Mockingbird and one of the things she thanked me for was my patience and not complaining. I suppose i could have but I knew it wouldn't amount to anything, and I was having fun, even if i had one of the smallest parts.

I met some amazing people and even though some of them won't be coming back these are friendships that will last for quite a while. My first semester was spent almost entirely with Kels and her roommate. This had it's advantages and disadvantages. One advantage was gaining a new friend. Andy (her blog name) was at first just sort of a third wheel, but when Kels dumped me I came to realize how good a friend she is. She helped me when I was down, crazy and stuck with me when I was hurtful.

This leads to a slightly less happy subject: The Breakup. Sometime in the past Kels grew tired of me. This showed itself in a coupe ways. First she just argued with me a lot more and treated me like dirt. (yes this is biased, deal with it) Then she cheated on me. Then she dumped me and lied to me about going out with someone else. I haven't forgiven her and I don't know if I ever will. In retrospect the wort part is when she lied. I'm not a terribly trusting person and by that I mean I'm a paranoid freak. The after three years together she still lied to me hurt more than anything. Also I feel very little sympathy toward her. This is because although it may not have been easy for her, it was much worse for me. this is a matter of opinion but it's my opinion and I'm sticking to it.

The breakup did have some upsides to it however. I got closer to Andy and John, who are now my best friends, even if they aren't still at Tech. John went through something similar to my breakup at the same time and we both helped each other through it. And while some bridges have burned I do now realize that things are better now, and that Kels wasn't good enough for me. I hope she's happy living in Lubbock for the rest of her life. I also went to therapy for a couple months which was fun. my therapist wasn't the best but she gave me someone to talk to and just empty myself to, once a week.

I auditioned for the spring productions and was cast in both Pillowman and Mockingbird. My parts were small but the cast of Pillowman was so great and Mockingbird was fun too. I claimed I wasn't really an actor but that may be proving false. I've also written some more. Nothing quite finished yet but some really neat new ideas.

Overall this was a good school year. I am where I need to be and doing what i need to do. I got a four point both semesters.

I also posted a video for Jonathan Coulton's song I Feel Fantastic on youtube. It's a song that helped me get through the year at the tough parts and helped me celebrate the good ones.

Say a prayer for Mr. Fancy Pants

2007-05-12T21:00:00.000-05:00

Things that you need to do. Yes you.

Thing one: Read Fahrenheit 451
Thing two: See Hot Fuzz

I have done both of these in the past two days and I recommend the experience to everyone. It should be noted that these two things have very little if anything in common but that does not mean that you should not do them.

The first thing came about from spending three hours in the local library. My sister and mother volunteer there on Fridays. We went to lunch with Sandy and another friend, and they were going to pick me up at the library after they finished shopping. Their shopping lasted much longer than expected, and so i was at the library for a while. I picked up "Fahrenheit 451" and "And Then There Were None," and read most of Fahrenheit. I finished it later last night and it is deservedly a classic. Between chapters, I stole a little yellow pad of sticky notes and a golf pencil and wrote a short story, and a poem. I'll probably post them here later but I don't want to go get them right now.

I had a TA meeting this morning and I finally realized how little the adult staff really does. This is ok, I just need to remember to bring something worthwhile to do during the meetings. Today I mainly played UNO, and Narbacular Drop. Narbacular Drop is made by the same guys who are working on Portal for Valve and I recommend that anybody interested in a new style of game play give it a try. It's free. Google it.

Go three rounds with Archie Moore and Sugar Ray
It's so damn scary, you won't mind the pain.

P.S I just had the idea of fictional blogging. I'm sure It's been thought of before but I like the idea of a story that updates in real time. There's also some interesting possibilities with real world publishing and the connection to archives. The story could be read from last post to first. (As I do sometimes in regard to my own story) It's also possible that some of this blog is already fictional. I can tell you it's not, but now there will always be that question nagging in your mind.

2007-05-09T20:23:00.000-05:00

I need a nickname.

Or perhaps a nome de plume. a pseudonym would accomplish the same thing but doesn't sound as fancy. This actually comes about from Phancy.com which I have read for a number of years. He always references his wife as Mrs. Phancy, and I like that. But I don't think I'm going to come up with anything good at the moment.

In other news, I have discovered why college students sleep all morning when they come home. One might think that it's due to not enough sleeping during the school year, and that students might be using that time to catch up. However this is not the case. The sleeping is because most college students have very little to do. We come home and most of our friends are elsewhere. Most of our empty days are spend doing what we do best: nothing. This also leads to another strange event Summer Jobs. Summer jobs are ways for our parents to pretend that we are still in college but come home to visit more often. Most people get a summer job for two reasons: to earn money and to stop being bored. The remedy for the second problem that I have chosen is summer school. This allows me to spend some time at home as well as not have to get a summer job. Unfortunately this leaves me with no source of income. This is a problem because I have recently started dating someone and things are going well which means I will be spending more money in the near future. Once the semester starts this won't be such a problem because I'll have a job then but i still have four weeks of summer school to pay for things in.

This post kind of wandered from the point.
I don't think there actually was a point.

Take a point called Z in the complex plane
Let Z1 be Z squared plus C
And Z2 is Z1 squared plus C
And Z3 is Z2 squared plus C and so on
If the series of Z’s should always stay
Close to Z and never trend away
That point is in the Mandelbrot Set

2007-05-08T21:36:00.000-05:00

The more things change...

I'm home again, home again jiggety jig.
The last time I was home was Easter and the time before that was spring break. Easter I got my scarf and I don't remember much else. Spring break was my first extended time back since the breakup. I remember being unable to sleep. I remember not not having a date to look forward to when I got back. I remember Twin Arrows. I remember regaling the staff with my tales of The Little Jesus story. I have a TA meeting this Saturday. I have someone to call at night. Time is weird. Someday (not necessarily soon) I might be looking back on this post and many others as a married man. That thought really scares me. I don't know who it will be and I won't for a while, but that's OK. I'm a different person than who I will be then and I need to be the me I am right now before I can be the me I will be then. And one day I might be updating this not from my parents house (although I will when I visit,) but the one I bought with my very own debt. I already referred to Lubbock as home yesterday without meaning to, but it is where I have lived for the past two years.

Hmm according to my records i started writing this post at 4:27 pm and it's now 7:26 I've done some stuff in that time and most of it is quite boring.

When I was in 4th and 5th grade I kept a small spiral notebook in my pocket to write things down in. It it probably in a drawer in my room now. I only think of it now because there were a couple things I wanted to tell Jacie next time I talk to her but I can't remember what they were. One of them was about my new hats. I ordered two new hats but one of them is on backorder, however the other will be shipping out in the next few days. well I remembered on of them at but if I still carried the notebook I could have written it down and I wouldn't have to bother with remembering. It's funny how some information changes ones perspective on things. I could go into more detail but that would just prove my point.

When I was born I was a young boy.

2007-05-06T01:12:00.000-05:00

Somebody shoot me I think I'm going to write poetry again.

It's been four months since I've said those words
I've yet to say them again
and yet here we are
falling
there was a moment of should
there was a moment of could?
It's been so long
I'm not even sure what it means
I'm not sure I ever did
three little words
I'm afraid of
It's different this time
of course it is
I think I might be ready
but the only way to know is try

Well hopefully that's enough to keep me from doing something like this for a while. And at least this time it didn't rhyme.

2007-05-03T21:55:00.000-05:00

Who needs friends?

Here I sit at my keyboard,
And soak up the web's rewards.
The outside world is loud and bright,
In here I safely stay up all night.

An original poem, written right here and now. It's not my best work but I tried. I think I feel another stanza coming on...

I live my life completely wired,
But lack of sleep can make one tired.
The internet has many charms,
But none so great as another's arms.

The end.

2007-05-01T22:33:00.000-05:00

Let's try this one more time.

The last few posts i have written have been disappointing from my point of view. Since I am the sole author of this blog i have no one to blame but myself. However The last two times I've tried to post stuff something has happened before the I finished and when I come back my train of thought is long derailed. I end up posting whatever I had written plus a little bit extra to add some form of closure, but it is sub-par in my opinion. I actually started writing this post in hopes that something would happen as did the last two times i started but I'm pretty sure one of Murphy's laws says that that is exactly what wont happen because I want it to. but then the fact that I'm expecting a certain outcome (that being nothing happening) Means that the law kicks in again and it will happen as i expect it. This continues ad nauseum until someone becomes nauseous, the universe implodes or something either happens or doesn't.

I watched Donnie Darko today and I was not disappointed. However this is because i expected it to be the lame sort of stuff where you don't know what's going on and so it must be intelligent. I told Andrea this but I think I told it to her in a rather rude way. She's been having a tough few days and has been on edge more than usual. (usual is usually very little) The thing about Donnie Darko wasn;'t that i didn't understand it, but that so little of it had a purpose. It also had a time travel paradox which bothered me more than usual. I like time travel and I like the different ways people deal with the "grandfather paradox" this movie had one but it didn't get resolved, or even acknowledged. I suppose there could be some of the whole "is he Crazy or not?" thing going on there but I'm pretty sure the ending was to definite for that to really work. Drew Barrymore was in it because she was the executive producer and since she was paying for it she got to be in it. The whole cellar door thing was annoying too. If it was said by a "famous linguist" then who was it? (research finds that it was J.R.R. Tolkien, not exactly what I would call a linguist. {sub note: The filmmaker attributes it to Edgar Allan Poe}) And why was it beautiful? And what does this have to do with the plot other than to give Drew something to do that seems important? And if ht lead wasn't crazy (as the ending implies) why was he going to a therapist and taking drugs for schizophrenia? (yes I know that in the director's cut they are placebos, but that just brings in more problems)

The two previous paragraphs put together remind me of a (in my not so humble opinion) much better movie called Primer. The movie deals with time travel, but that's not why I thought of it. The protagonists are talking about how an object in gthe stasis feild they created bounces back and forth between two points in time and if the object was intelligent it could come out at the "past" end. This bouncing back and forth thing reminds me of the Murphy's law thing in the first paragraph. only I am not "intelligent" enough to break the laws of probability in this universe. If i was a fir derring or perhaps a pookah (I don't have my Callahan's books with me, or I'd look it up) I could perhaps handle this problem. It should also be noted that at this point the bouncing has not worked in my favor, as nothing has happened, which was probably my second to last choice. However I have managed to Spend the last half hour or so distracting myself from the nothing that was happening. I might go get some food now to continue the distraction.

Happy first of May everybody!

2007-05-01T20:49:00.000-05:00

I don't usually do these back to back like this...

But this is different enough to warrant another post.

I went to get some food and stopped off at my mailbox. Inside were three letters, one for me one for my roommate and one for a typo of my roommate's name. They hadn't been there earlier today and all looked like the same thing: a piece of paper folded thrice and sealed with a label of the recipient's name and room number. I open mine up and it's a letter informing me that one or more items that had been confiscated during Fire Safety/Room Checks. This surprised me for two reasons. The first surprise was that they can take stuff during a fire drill. Shouldn't the focus during the fire checks be getting everybody out of the building rather than getting the contraband out? The second surprise was that anything was taken at all. I don't have much of what I would deem contraband, and what I do have that might count is all still here. I think they just took something from the common room and sent the letter to both Dan and Me to make sure the owner received the letter.

And BTW Murphy is back in action. As i was writing this Jacie called. I'll get you one day Murphy, and when that day comes, you probably won't be there.

2007-04-29T22:48:00.000-05:00

I want to be like Kurt Vonnegut, but only a little.

I was sitting backstage today during the show and i had an idea for a story. It would be a simple little short story about a man's last thoughts as he fell a very long way. Possibly from the top of the Empire State Building. Now I realize that the ESB isn't exactly easy to fall off of, and that because of it's shape it would be even harder to be in free fall the whole way down, but those are things I would ignore for the sake of the narrative. In doing research for this story I looked up the height of the empire state building. 1,435 feet. I the tried to figure out how long it would take to fall this distance and then the fire alarm went off and the hallway was filled with weird yellow smoke/powder so I left and didn't get back until Monday morning. End of Post.

2007-04-27T12:01:00.000-05:00

To Kill a Mockingbird opened last night.

This has been an interesting show for me. ON the one hand I get to be a classic literary character, on the other I'm offstage for 95% of the play. I have enjoyed working on the production but it hasn't been nearly as much fun as Pillowman was. we have three more performances left and they should go well. The audience liked the show and we got a standing Ovation led by the local paper's critic. I've never been sold on the script of the show but if the audiences like it I can't really complain. Jacie got some dust in her and eye and has been temporarily blinded, so hanging out wit her was kinda weird Wednesday night.

2007-04-23T15:08:00.000-05:00

The problem with fictionalized autobiography.

A character in a play I once performed in said "I think people who only write about what they know, only write about that they know because they're too stupid to make something up." It's a good philosophy. Making things up is the whole point of fiction. Unfortunately, i also write as a release mechanism. Two nights ago I was woken up by an idea for a play. With out going into too much detail, (If I talk too much about it before I finish it, it won't get done) It deals with some characters loosely based on real life people. Now I don't know if People who read the script would know this unless they knew the real life counterparts but I'm afraid that the counterparts would. It feels wrong to fictionalize peoples life for what some would consider entertainment. The problem is confounded when the fiction comes closer to reality than I could have guessed. One of my characters who wasn't based in Real life just materialized in my world. This raises the question of verisimilitude. If I write truthful characters, there will be people in the nonfiction universe who identify with them. There was an anecdote about John Lennon , where this homeless teenager traveled a long distance to meet John because "your songs were about my life," John replied with something along the lines of "Helter Skelter was just about a roller coaster" Does art imitate life or is it the other way 'round? This new person in my life exhibits characteristics of Steve, my character. Primarily in his relations with others. I was thinking of submitting this play to RROAPS next year but now I'm not so sure.

Also I like the double meaning of the word fecund

Why don't you come right out and say it

2007-04-21T17:50:00.000-05:00

Time, again.

Ten days before he died, I wrote about Kurt Vonnegut. Tend days after he died I write about his death. Time is weird. The past three weeks seem to be undefined in terms of time. I had to do some serious thinking and fact checking I determined that the past three weeks had in fact taken exactly three weeks to transpire.

There's a Murder Mystery double feature I shall be attending tonight and it should be interesting. We will be watching two film adaptations of a Mystery novel written in the 1800s. I'll let you know how it goes. I also bought Ferris Bueller's Day Off, and some Of those ice pops in a tube that are basically frozen sugar water. Yum!

You can't be too careful
Make your mind up and go for it.

2007-04-19T17:07:00.000-05:00

The Interwebs.

This post has been brought to you through a generous thought donation by remadegold.

Are the interwebs necessary? What has happened to the face to face meeting? Is this a good thing? Is what a good thing? The interwebs.

I believe i made an earlier post on similar themes dealing with the anonymity of the interwebs, but now I want to look at it from a more personal perspective. I use this magic computer box to keep in touch with my friends; that being real people I know and have met. This also includes the A-list whose members I have met and am glad to call a part of my family. In the past 7 years I have met a number pf people with whom I became very good friends. Unfortunately our lives have traveled, and continue to travel in many different directions. My best friend here at Tech won't be next year, my best friend at Tech last year isn't here anymore. These two people helped me more than can be said in the past few months. If I didn't use the interwebs to keep in contact I'm not sure things would have turned out as well as they have. Also the members of the aforementioned A-List helped me put a perspective on my life that I wouldn't have had otherwise. These are people who I would never in my life come across without the technology I'm using right here and now. I should say that the list isn't your typical forum style setting. We all use our real names and we are all held accountable for what we say. This can remove some of the inherent problems with online communication without hurting the benefits.

This is not to say that The interwebs have helped me stay in contact with all of my past friends, but through things like facebook I can still check in every now and then and know that they are still out in the world just like I am. My best friend in Kindergarten was Eric Cabral. I don't remember much about him now, but we hung out in his house a lot, and some number of years later i learned that his mother packed him and his brother up one day and left their father. Searching on facebook I find six men with that name. If I was so inclined I could contact them and see if any of them used to go to Dove elementary. I'm not going to do this because our lives have diverted to much; we would have nothing to talk about. This doesn't have to happen nowadays, with the technology we have. I can keep my friends who are separated by distance close through the interwebs. We can share ideas stories happiness and defeat. (the agony of defeat is walking 20 miles in one day. Pun.)

Now I tried branching out with the random people in cyberspace and invited a stranger from Chicago to be my friend on facebook. It was amusing at first but he when he tried to comfort me online it just felt awkward, because I didn't and don't know him. I guess I'm trying to say while the 'net can be used to sustain relationships, they should be formed in the real world.

So far, so good.

2007-04-18T21:52:00.000-05:00

Tequila Mockingbird.

The title of this post has little to do with it's contents. Although at the moment I'm not sure what those contents shall be. Things in my life are going well, which makes for some boring blogging. I do have a semi constant wondering if I'm trying to be with Jacie too much, but I'm not sure thats one of those things I should be worrying about. I've been watching a new show called Drive. It's about an illegal cross country road race, and it's staring Nathan Fillion of Firefly/Serenity fame. I am enjoying it. Sometimes i wonder about the people on the internet who fulfill certain stereotypes, and what makes them tick. sorry for the stream of consciousness format but that's how it's coming out. I don;t think i have much else to say, but i want to keep blogging. I noticed that the post after this one will be my 100th in just over three years. I'm thinking of doing some sort of statistical analysis but I probably wont. I recently got the "Up Series" from the library. It's a series of documentaries interviewing the same people every seven years starting when they were 7. It seems like a really neat series but each time I've tried to watch it I fall asleep, so I took it back this morning. My dad has informed me that he wants to meet Jacie, and he might get an opportunity depending on when she goes to see mockingbird. The whole scheduling thing with different parts of my family coming to see the play on different nights thin seems to weird people out, but to me it's just par for the course in my family. We always have conflicting schedules and have for years. My mom used to joke that people thought that her ad my dad were divorced because they always went to separate services at church. I wish i was more religious sometimes. I have my beliefs and I know them but I don't go to church regularly. This is nobody's fault but my own, but I feel so weird going to church by myself and I don't have anybody else here to go with. Also my home church is my church and any other church i go to won't be my church. Yes, after going to a new church for long enough could make it feel more like home, but it's that starting point that's hard. I also don't think I pray enough. Does communion count if it's done with Doritos and Dr Pepper? Does it have to be blessed by a pastor to count? I think it should be between me and God. Do we do mass communion for the same reason we do mass confession? The middleman is unnecessary in confession so why not communion. "Do this in remembrance of me." That was the command, if it's done as a ritual and not in remembrance does it matter? It's not about communion working or not because it's about remembering. If I remember with Ritz crackers and a Cherry Coke Zero, is it sacrilege? I seem to fill my free time with watching the X-Files and not doing the (very small amount of) homework I have left before the end of the semester. This summer is going to be interesting, with contracting Dr. Bert's class, taking Spanish, trying to tutor J in statistics, going to Twin Arrows, The Barbecue, and my grandmother's 80th birthday. I am now dating somebody but she is not yet my girlfriend. I'm pretty sure that the 'yet' is coming and it may just be my imagination, but I think that when I was told it was there. I'll keep you posted. Or maybe not.

Help me take money from my friends.

or

Go, Soterios Johnson, go
All the club kids are watching your glowstick glow
With the light of a truth you can’t hide
That the news is the news, but the dance goes on forever

2007-04-14T00:33:00.000-05:00

I turn and walk away from your car. I want nothing but to turn around and yell "Stop I made a mistake!" I want you back in my bed. I want the closeness of your body. I know I made the best decision. I know this is the better way, but this is the hard way. I was telling the truth when I said I wanted to know your mind and heart first, and it's going to be hard to pull back. Tonight was too far. A great friend told me that the reason temptation is so hard to deal with is because it's something that we want. Temptation is tempting. Part of me hopes you know how hard it was for me to say what I did tonight, and I know the best way for me be sure you know is by telling you. I didn't do it to make myself look good, I did it because it was right. But part of me still hopes you saw the goodness of it and now I've earned some of the mysterious 'brownie points.' but this is NOT why I did it.

No lyrics tonight.

2007-04-12T17:06:00.000-05:00

Sensory Deprivation.

I like showers, they're a great opportunity to think. I've heard of people paying lots of money to sit in a dark tank full of water and let their minds wander. I don't know why people would do this when they have a shower and can do basically the same thing. A lot of times when I take a shower they end up being longer than they should. I think that this is because, like a sensory deprivation tank, there is no concept of time in a shower. Also the rhythmic sound and feelings of the water can lull one into a sense of deep relaxation. I think a lot in the shower, and often I think more clearly than when I'm in the 'real world.' I can always seem to plan things out and come to conclusions when I'm not even trying to think about things. Archimedes reportedly solved his problem of testing the kings crown for purity when his wife told him to take a bath. He did and whil his mind was distracted he found the answer. I think this holds true today, but I don't fit in most bathtubs, so I stick to showers. Unfortunately if I come to some great conclusion, I seem to lose it as soon as I turn off the water, and the world comes crashing back in. On a side note, Bobcat Goldthwait once did an entire stand-up routine in a shower on stage because that's where he said he did his best thinking. You may remember him from such movies as the police Academy sequels. I'm pretty sure I had some sort of discovery in the shower I took not too long ago but the only thing I can remember is the water dripping off me once the water was off. It's really annoying.

Change of subject: I'm in a directing scene for one of the grad students here at Tech. I literally play a spear carrier, and I try to attack Richard III, but he schools me and then seduces my queen. Mockingbird is going well, and we did our fist full run through last week. I'm pretty sure I get cast because of my size and not my acting talent. This isn't necessarily a bad thing but because I don't think I'm much of an actor I feel bad when directors have to work to get me to do what they want.

Things with Jacie are interesting, but as a friend told me "why worry about labels? Just enjoy it for what it is." Unfortunately I don't know what it is. This was more in reference to Man of La Mancha this weekend, but I think it can apply overall.

I'm bored.

2007-04-08T19:26:00.000-05:00

Another perfect day in Rhododendron Park

So it's Easter and I went home for the weekend. It's been a nice weekend as long as you don't count the weather. It's been a constant temperature of cold and cloudy all weekend. I'm pretty sure I left Lubbock to get away from all that. Oh well, from what I've heard it was snowing there. Kat finished blocking my scarf and I've been wearing it all weekend I'm just sad that I can't take it back to school with me. It's a full 17 feet including the six inches of tassel on each end. We took pictures of me wearing it as well as holding it over the balcony in our house. I managed to touch it to the highest point of the ceiling and the floor at the same time. When I wear it, it goes from about my knees with a loop at my knees as well. Not as long as i expected but i'm pretty sure the actual Doctor was shorter than I am. Anyway it fits awesomely, and at church this morning someone asked if I came in my TARDIS. I didn't hear him and I when i asked him to repeat himself he asked if I knew about Doctor Who. Of course I do! But it's awesome that the scarf was recognized for what it was.

Also at church today I got to see an old friend who moved to Rhode Island two years ago. When I was active in the youth group at church, she acted as the assistant youth director and was a second mother to many of the high schoolers including myself. Just this weekend My mother, when telling me that Jo might be here this weekend, mentioned that Jo had never really liked Kels and thought that if I ended up with her I would be settling. When I told her that Kels and I broke up, she said that she expected me to get rid of her a long time ago. Thanks Jo, I love you. I also talked to Chris who is the youth praise team leader and he asked if I was still "Together with ..." (he really did trail off like that, I don't think he remembered her name.) and I said that no we broke up, because she did some things. It's kind of weird, I always imagine myself talking bad about her when people ask, but it seems I just might be too nice. In my head I was the victim here and she was the bad guy. on the other hand I Probably look like the better person when I don't talk about it much. I am pretty sure that RT was only invited to stay at the Keltner's for the weekend to save her parent's some money on airfare. The farther I het away from the relationship, the better i can see the bad in it. Whcih is a good thing. I should probably write some of this down so I can talk to my therapist about it. Well I guess I am writing it down, now lets see if I can remember it.

Friday night I talked to Jacie's self proclaimed best friend for about 45 minutes. I called Jacie but she had left her phone in Debbi's room. Debbi made it very clear that I "Can't have Her(Jacie)" but seems like a pretty cool gal. we traded info for a while and i asked questions about Jacie in return for dishing out info on myself so Deb could look like she grilled me instead of the other way around. I then spoke briefly with Jacie when she got back from making her rounds as a CA, but she was distracted by whatever was happening on that end of the phone. Unfortunately Debbi and Jacie probably came out ahead because I don't remember things over the phone very well, so the balance of info is probably on their side.

2007-04-06T01:48:00.000-05:00

Wal-Mart

I like Wal-mart I think it's a good store, wit lots of cool stuff at cheap prices. The only problem is that they put some sort of chemical in the air that causes people to buy useless junk that once purchased seems much less cool. The only experience I can relate to it is when I went to an oxygen bar in Colorado. Immediately after I left the bar i entered a movie memorabilia shop and found the awsomest shirt ever. It was based on a scene from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. I loved it and ought it for probably ten dollars more than it was worth. I carried that shirt back to our buss and held the bag for the entire duration of the ride back to Texas (eighteen hours.) Upon Disembarking the bus my brain re-pressurized and I realized what had happened. I still like the shirt and I'm not upset that I bought it, I just wish that I had been more aware of the decision. Anyway at Wal-Mart today i bought a couple DVDs and when I was wandering around the toy isle I saw some water guns for a buck each. I immediately had a vision of how much fun I could possibly have with these things and it seemed infinite. I quickly grabbed two blue ones, and bought them upon checkout. Once I returned to my dorm, I realized what I had done and knew that the fun I was going to have was unpractical and limited at best. However they do fit in the sleeves of my coat very well and I have been practicing and mastered the double draw, as well as a number of cool poses, so I can look really cool in the mirror.

I must have done something right.

2007-04-01T15:06:00.000-05:00

Time is an illusion.

Three Months ago I was happy.
Ten weeks ago I was in shock
Two months ago I was alone.
One month ago I was jealous.
Two weeks ago I was alone.
Two nights ago I was in shock.
Now I am Happy.

The present seems to last forever. I am reminded of George Orwell's 1984, which i haven't read since sixth grade. In it The protagonist's home country is aligned with another and enemies against another. He says it has always been so and will always be so. Later the allegiance shifts and the other two countries switch positions. The protagonist again states that it has always been this way and always would. Forever and Never are the same thing. Memory is our pretending that we fell different than we do now. Kurt Vonnegut wrote of a man who, when enjoying life, would exclaim "Somebody shoot me while I'm happy!" Jasper Fforde wrote of what fictional characters' lives might be like, having existence only in what has been written, all of the mundane detail ignored, being able to relive any moment you chose and choosing both the happy and sad so as to appreciate both. Doctor Manhattan in the graphic novel Watchmen could see his time outside of itself, experienced everything that had happened to him as well as everything that would happen to him. He understood everything but even his reactions of surprise were preprogrammed. He was a fixed point in time while all of us just washed around him. At least that's what we thought was happening. That was how we saw it. Because time is constant we can't see that it's changing. we are traveling through time into the future right now at a temporal speed of exactly one second per second. we think about our future and we make plans, and those plans eventually come to fruition and become something in our past and no longer our future or even our present. The present is now, the present is infinitely small and it goes on forever. The past is huge and just as long as the present. The future is unknown an always moving quickly towards us, but we overdrive our headlights so that when we see something by the time we register it, it has moved into out present or even our past. Embrace the present before it becomes your past. I understand the Absurdist playwrights now. Many things they wrote were cyclical, they repeat the same things over and over again, and nothing really changes *cough*Beckett*cough* As shown in my little poem up there life goes in circles, we find ourselves doing the same things and experiences. There is nothing new under the sun. This planet has 6 Billion people on it so if something happens to one in a million people 6,000 people have experienced it. There are 6,000 people at my local high school. The things that are more common are even more so, but that's OK. All we can do is hope a bluebird sings its song. The moments that last forever don't and time is still walking no matter how much fun is being had. You can't save time and keep it somewhere until you need it, you just have to use it as best as you can. The man who told that to me died a few months later.

Somebody shoot me while I'm happy!

EDIT: I've realized that the above post is part of why I keep this blog. When all we have of our past is our memory then it's not real. Memories can change to fit what we want. Eyewitness accounts are no longer viable testimony because of this. But here I have a written record of what I am feeling and doing in this eternal present.

EDIT II: When i started this i wanted to point out how the past week is an example of how time is weird. Just look at my post from last Saturday, and you can see that what was then is not now, but then it was now. Follow that? Good, explain it to me.

EDIT III: (This should be the last one) A quote from Groucho Marx - “I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.”

2007-03-31T17:17:00.000-05:00

A gentleman does not talk about it.

Note: This is the first time that these lyrics aren't facetious.

And I feel fantastic
And I never felt as good as how I do right now
Except for maybe when I think of how I felt that day
When I felt the way that I do right now, right now, right now.
And I feel fantastic
And I never felt as good as how I do right now
Except for maybe when I think of how I felt that day
When I felt the way that I do right now, right now, right now.

2007-03-24T23:04:00.001-05:00

I don't usually do these things but this one seemed fitting.

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid Disorder:	High
Schizoid Disorder:	High
Schizotypal Disorder:	Moderate
Antisocial Disorder:	Low
Borderline Disorder:	Low
Histrionic Disorder:	Low
Narcissistic Disorder:	Moderate
Avoidant Disorder:	Moderate
Dependent Disorder:	High
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder:	Low
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! -- -- Personality Disorders --

2007-03-24T18:42:00.000-05:00

Lazy Saturday.

I was up until about 4 in the morning last night with two of my very good friends. I say I was with them, although not in a physical sense, one was across campus and the other was across the state. I had a paranoia attack before that and was convinced that everybody in my life was lying to me for some unknown reason. My therapist said I don't seem paranoid, but that's because when I'm in therapy I'm usually doing pretty well, and I don't go extra crazy until 1 in the morning when it's raining out. I had dinner with Daniel earlier in the evening, we went to Furr's and I had lots of food, ending with some good old soft serve ice cream. I had dinner with Daniel because he was nice enough to pick me up when I was stranded at the corner of University and The south side of the Loop.

Stranded might not be the right word, I did have the same method of transportation that got me there in the first place which was my dear own two feet. After working in the costume shop I was Walking with Jacie and talking about how her computer was contaminated by spyware and I offered to help remove it. She was heading to the Library to use the computers there and she asked me where I was going. I responded with something along the lines of "Oh, I just wonder randomly." This would prove to be very true in only a short while. I decided I was craving some Giant burrito action, so I called Andrea, but her companionship had already been taken by My Two Least Liked Individuals.

Sidenote: I hate being paranoid. On the one hand I don't know for sure that both of them were there but, I feel like it's true and on the other hand I feel extremely needy and bothersome if I ask so I'm stuck just making things up. And I don't want to lose the few friends I have by being an emotional drain on them. End sidenote.

So with Andrea dispossessed, and myself feeling betrayed as I always do in those sorts of situations, I began walking back to my Dorm. As I got closer I made a right turn and started heading toward University Street (it could be a boulevard or avenue, I'm not sure.) I crossed University and headed east until about Ave U where I stopped and sat on a park bench for a little while. I rise and start heading generally south. Without a destination in mind, I walked for about two hours winding my way back and fourth between avenues R and Q in a generally southernly direction. I followed a firetruck into a neighborhood where what appeared to be a long series of gunshots were going off in someones back yard. By the time I had arrived many people from the nearby houses had come out and watching what was happening, which wasn't much. Some of the firemen had gone down alleys on either side of the origin of the pops but nothing could be seen from the streets. I continued walking and stopped in a 7-11 and got some Gatorade, because I was thirsty. I also later stopped in a costume shop where I inquired about a Dick Cheney mask for a friend. The owner said she had had one but it must have sold. I thanked her for her time and left. Nothing much else of interest happened until about 6:30 when I realized I was at 71st street. I was pretty sure it would be dark before I could walk back to campus, and frankly I was a little tired. I called Andrea and tried to find someone on campus with a car. Unfortunately, everybody was (and is) working on RROAPS. I called Becky because I knew she had a car, but she had just started an office shift. after a few more calls and after crossing the South side of the loop I managed to reach Daniel, who was more than willing to pick me up. BTW, crossing 289 is scary. I came out at about AVE T which leads directly onto the access road, The closest intersection was University to my right about half a mile away.

Working in the costume shop was alright because I actually produced something. Jacie and I were partnered to make ditty bags for Mockingbird. The only bad part was when Kelsey came to do something for costumes for RROAPS. She started talking to Elise about going to something that was coming up, but she had to make sure her ride was able to take her. Her ride obviously being RT, because Kelsey can't drive and just gets into the pants of some guy who will take her anywhere she wants to go. I should know. I should probably clarify that I do not positively know that the two of them are doing anything and I'm sure they would deny it, but when someone makes a huge deal of how they are "only telling the truth from now on" makes me think of "protest too much" and also that the first statement indicated that the person wasn't truthful to begin with. But I don't want anybody to think that I know 100% that they are together, but I suspect it heavily and I have my reasons. I also just thought of the double meaning behind 'ride'

Before going to the costume shop I had lunch and before that I went to my honors advising where we decided that I will probably end up contracting the last of my honors hours. Before that was my meeting with Dr. Mann about my rehearsal and Performance credit and she basically told me that i was probably getting an A. Before that I woke up.

Some of my faithful readers might be wondering why I walked the 6-8 miles that I traversed yesterday, and I'm not entirely sure myself. Part of it was the feelings of anger and loneliness, part of it was trying to just get away, and part of it was probably for attention. Have you ever realized how little you matter? Walking across town can help you understand that. You pass all of these homes of people who you will never meet, and whose lives are no different for you being alive. You walk along busy highways and see hundreds of cars filled with people moving on to whatever it is they have to do next. And the only way to bring your life in contact with theirs is to throw yourself in front of their speeding vehicle and seeing how well their brakes work. Then you can think about the fact that this city's population is tiny compared to other places, and that there are thousands of cities like this one but bigger and thats in this country alone. The population of China is around 1 billion, and they wont even meet each other let alone some college kid in Lubbock TX. You can then think about the relative size of the planet in the galaxy. Our entire solar system doesn't even register in the mass of our galaxy, and there are millions of other galaxies in this nearly infinite universe.and in not even a hundred years will whatever impact you left on our tiny atom of a planet be remembered. People can't really understand how significant everybody and everything really is. If they did everybody would just kill themselves. And even that wouldn't matter. If this conflict we are currently involved, or some other one, eventually evolves into WWIII and the entire world is obliterated, do you know what difference that would make on a cosmic scale? absolutely zero. And the whole "attention must be paid" BS is stupid too, even if you kill yourself maybe a handful of people will care and they'll be dead before too long, too. So being alive is stupid but so is killing yourself.

Today's schedlue was rather less exciting. I went to Freebirds with Andrea for lunch, then she went to the all day tech rehearsal for RROAPS, and I went back to my room and watched movies and TV. Then I wrote this blog, which has taken much longer than I originally thought it would. And now that it's almost over I'm not looking forward to trying to find some way to fill the rest of my evening. I'll probably watch one of the nine movies that I've purchased but haven't actually gotten around to watching. In the past two days I've watched three movies(The Jerk, Porky's and Fargo), a half dozen episodes of Doctor Who (Tom Baker,) the pilot episode of The X-Files, read about 1/3 of Y - The Last Man, which is a comic series about the last man alive after a mysterious plague kills every mammal with a Y chromosome in the world, about 1/4 of Watchmen, the best comic series ever, and the first five chapters of Lake Wobegon Summer 1956 by Garrison Keillor.

Tomorrow might be a better day because I'll be going thrift store shopping with Andrea and Jeleesa.

I'm an accident waiting to happen.

2007-03-17T23:54:00.000-05:00

Boom Boom, don't it suck to be crazy!

Well Spring break is winding down, and my sanity is leaving with it. the week started off with me being rejected for a date after she already said yes, saying my only two lines in Tequila Mockingbird, and trying to pack while hiding from my suite mate. On Saturday I drove to a Boy Scout Leadership training camp and stayed there until Tuesday when I left early because there was nothing for me to do. For lunch Tuesday my mother sister and I went to Panda Express, because it's awesome. Tuesday evening i went to see Ghost Rider with my dad. Good movie, but not great. Wednesday my mother, sister, and I went to Half-Price Books where I purchased Murderball and Penn and Teller's Magic and Mystery Tour DVDs. I don't remember Wednesday night, but I'm pretty sure I started writing Vampire Jerry which made me feel good because I was writing again, but I blanked after three pages. Thursday My dad and I watched 300 on the imax. It was big but not a great movie. Friday nothing much on interest happened except going to Block buster with my dad to rent a movie, finding nothing we wanted to rent and buying Snakes on a Plane, Porky's, Fargo, and The Jerk; all for under 8 dollars. (we ended up watching Pirates of the Caribbean 2 on pay-per-view) Today we fixed the fence, went to Best Buy Buy and returned the electric razor I bought last time I came home, because I found mine at school. Kat finished knitting my scarf, but I can't have it yet because it needs to be stretched and blocked, and then shown to everybody she knows. It's alright though because I don't have much need for it until next fall. We took a few pictures of the two of us in it. It currently measures about 11 feet, but that's before being stretched and before adding the six inch tassels on either end. Tonight my dad and I watched Snakes on a Plane. It was exactly what it claimed to be but I knew that already. Then I started doing laundry.

But! I hear you cry "where is all that crazy you alluded to in the opening lines of this pose?" It's in my head, where it always is. Very rarely do my mental differences show themselves in polite company. But here's an example: I stared at my computer screen blankly for probably 20 minutes because I read the name "Pink Floyd" on a link. this may not mean much to you but to me it brought back the extreme feelings of betrayal due to a small, insignificant slight done to me, (probably unintentionally) many weeks ago. Why does something like this bother me the way it does? I must say (changing subjects slightly) that I understand how B(rest of name withheld for privacy [and they may not even be this person's actual first initial, what are you going to do now?]) feels. I know of people(s) interest in me and I can't find any polite way to turn them away so I sit in an uncomfortable limbo, hoping the problem goes away.

I'm trying to get a group of friends together to go to Scarborough right after school gets out, and I need a costume to go in and I'm thinking that with my newly finished scarf, and some trips to the thrift store I may go as the Doctor. This solves multiple problems for the people going with me. They can all come as "companions" so no matter what costume they have (if any) we can all be together in out story. By the way B (if you're reading this) you're still invited to go with us. I don't think any thing's changed between us because of what (didn't) happen, you're still a friend and the more the merrier at a faire.

I'm done for now but here's some lyrics.

Because the lives of the wicked should be made brief.
For the rest of us, death
Will be a relief—
We all deserve to die!

P.S. OK so it seems like I blog when I don't have anybody else to talk to. This is interesting because I say so. I don't want to drive back to Lubbock tomorrow because nothing will have changed from when I left. Except maybe my suite mate will be clean and sober. I'm confused. Also I need a hug. But only from certain people. And those people aren't here or won't anyway because I think they hate me for some unknown reason or maybe they just don't like me very much. But I still need a hug. M(you know the name drill by now don't you?) Gave me a seemingly random hug in the greenroom one night, but I don't know her very well and I have no idea how to read it. However, I am really paranoid so I think I have at least covered all of the possible scenarios in my head. The downside of this of course is that I have no idea which one is the "Truth." sometimes I wish I could read minds, or maybe start everything over, or just stop thinking for a little while, or find someone nice to talk to, or end this chapter of my life and start the next, or something. Well that lasted much linger than was originally intended. I could just move this into the body of the post but I like the idea of a really long post script. Is anybody there? I'm so alone.

2007-03-09T14:11:00.000-06:00

The internet is weird.

On the one hand it's almost completely anonymous. This leads to beople lying they faces off with no real repercussions. On The Internet you can be anything or anybody you want to.

But on the other hand people can be much more honest than they ever would be in real life. part of this comes from the anonymity previously mentioned and the mindset of "nobody will actually read this" but it's not completely anonymous, so your real identity can be found out. Also people sometimes feel safer behind the wall the internet provides. Even though everything is 'instant' it's not really. First something is written, then someone else has to read it and respond. These things can have a lot of time between them and sometimes the last two don't even happen. This delay and not having to deal with someone face to face and all of the body language that goes along with it can really simplify things that shouldn't be simplified. It's like the phone but worse; on the phone there are at least vocal inflections and you can't reword something five times or delete it before the message is actually sent. Because of the nature of the medium it really boils down to a typewriter and carrier pigeons but in a (relatively) faster way. In acting there is a thing called subtext. I don't really have a full grip on it but basically it about the way things are said and not actually the words. All of this is missing in internet communication and people are left to fill in the sub-textual blanks on their own. This is not a good system because the message can and will be decoded incorrectly. Yes, people can and do mis communicate on a regular basis in plain old human interaction but there's more data to draw from in those settings.

In history we were discussing ideologies and i brought up the idea that there is one end all be all reality and people just view it differently. The theory's a bit more complicated than that, but the gist is the more we know about something the closer we can come to really understanding the way it really is. In person to person communication there is much more information available to receive than just what is being said, and if you remove all of that the chance for miscommunication skyrockets.

I'm not really sure what I'm getting at other than by putting things on the internet they are observed, and just like in quantum physics, the act of observing can change the outcome of the experiment. Now I know this may seem against what I just said but it doesn't really.

That's all I can think of for now.

2007-03-08T22:57:00.000-06:00

Bitter, sad, and happy.

The bitter part: You know the difference between me and you? After we broke up we both hated that we couldn't be alone. what did I do? I stayed by myself for a long time until I could cope with it again. What did you do? You jumped in bed with the first guy to come along. do the difference is you're a hypocrite and I'm growing.

The sad part: I loved you. I would have done anything for you, but the feeling wasn't mutual and I didn't see it before it was too late. It's also sad that you made me feel the way I did even after you left me. It's sad that i let you control me even when you weren't around.

The happy part(thankfully this will be the longest): I walked around campus tonight and looked at all of the various sculptures I could find, I went back to the smoking area by Gordon. I sat by many of those sculptures, and walked around that smoking for countless hours when we talked on the phone. Why is this happy? Because they were still there, and I am still me. I have so many wonderful memories on this campus and they're mine. This is my college, you just go to school here.

That's all I have to say right now.

2007-02-15T11:21:00.000-06:00

Possible titles for this post included, but are not limited to:

I hate irony.
Memories.
I got the cool points back and the game is over.
Alone
Here we go again.

Possible subjects for this post include, but are not limited to:

My state of mind that caused me to try this whole blogging thing again.
recap of what has happened in my college career such as becoming a theatre major writing plays, being cast in "The Pillowman" and "To Kill A Mockingbird" as father and Boo Radley respectively.
Having a play that I wrote premier at the Runway Theatre's "Vignettes for Valentine's" fundraiser
Looking back at valentines day post I made three here three years ago and reminiscing about a relationship that was just beginning then and is just recently ended.
Complaining about the ending of said relationship and all of the mental issues it has put me through and left me with.

Said issues include but are not limed to:

Resurgence of paranoia and trust issues
Being so lonely it hurts
Dreaming of her and waking up angry and not wanting to face reality
Thoughts of suicide [only once]
A dramatic increase in the amount that I pray
A stronger relationship with my family
Self doubt
Really seeing her faults for the first time
Making new friends, finding old ones
Hating everybody who is currently in a happy relationship.

Possible songs with lyrics considered for ending this post include, but are not limited to:

Let It Go - From the Full Monty
Last Midnight - From Into the Woods
Guys and Dolls - From Guys and Dolls (duh)
It was Supposed to be so Easy - The Streets - A Grand Don't Come For Free
Meet Dr. Klein - Ookla the Mok - Smell No Evil
A Little More Mascara - From La Cage aux Folles